Sometimes when we act a certain way we are not proud of, it can hurt… We may also step on someone’s toes metaphorically speaking, without knowing unless they say something, and some times people who aren’t direct may hold onto hurts and we never find until a long way down the road we were upsetting them.
I have a post to post after this from Jeff Foster on courage in expression in relationships… Unlike the fairytales, relationships do take work. If you are in an unhealthy one the other person is not always ready to look at what they are bringing to the relationship, and narcissistic individuals who show no interest in all at developing self insight will blame you for their stuff and you may be actually getting some deep historical anger that goes back to their early relationships dumped on you in the course of being involved in conflicts with them. This happened a lot in my last relationship but my ex was not always ready to own it… And I had a pit of unresolved need from childhood anyway having grown up with neglect while not really knowing all that consciously, not all of my reactions and problems were of my own making, so I was ready to take the blame sometimes when I didn’t necessarily deserve, and at times I admit I pulled on him too much and needed to have more of a life outside of us.
Chahir and I got to talk about our conflict on Thursday… turns out he was feeling like connecting to me at a time I would have preferred to be out, or needed to be to keep on top of my daily responsibilities.. He made a comment which he later said was out of order and I balked and he accused me of not having a sense of humour which wasn’t fair at all.. We got it sorted with me saying maybe I should toughen up and not be as sensitive and he said ‘no, please don’t change, I love it that you are.” and, “I need to watch my mouth.”… Wow my ex would never ever have said “I love you just the way you are,” according to him I was a fucked up insecure, screwy, flighty person (his words taken verbatim from the break up email he sent me.) Please!!! I suffered from PTSD and was coping admirably and was being emotionally abused at times… (though it took about 2 years of therapy after I got out of the relationship to stop blaming myself entirely.)
I know now my reaction to Chahir was not out of line and he did need to show me some sensitivity, so that thing that went wrong happened so I could gain insight to get things right down the track, and now, knowing how important me connecting to him is, I am being more aware and not cutting off as I used to do…Part of me with both anxious and avoidant attachment sometimes finds it hard to stay connected for long periods.. I get restless with having to get out and about and away from the other person which is kind of interesting as when I was with my ex it always triggered me when he was gone long hours surfing in the morning and I would wake up to an empty bed, it often took me into the darkest hole and then I would get a kind of rage that I never expressed to him, but I now know those feelings of being abandoned went back very very far, I get them also around 3 to 7 pm in the evenings which is the time both Mum and I were left alone as little kids, something I was discussing with my cousin and exploring in a poem yesterday.
Kat mentioned last week that due to the complexity of my relationship with Mum often I longed for her, but when she was around she was very scary too, often flying into a rage that Dad never protected me from. I have shared at one point she hit my second sister over the face with a slipper and Sue fell into a cupboard and broke both wrists, Mum then denied she was hurt… That is pretty bad boundary violation and abuse.. Mum also frequently violated my personal boundaries by reading my diary and confronting me over poetry in which I was expressing feelings, so it is no wonder I sometimes feel unsafe in relationships.
Luckily I can now articulate this stuff as I could not when I was with my ex. He had his own complex attachment trauma he was not willing to explore, just used to rail against projected situations of trauma and abandonment neglect when he saw them, I recently came across a diary entry about this in which we had a conflict over it.
Understanding my own attachment trauma and what I bring to significant relationships in terms of fear has been very important work for me…and I can use that awareness in dating when I explore who is healthy for me to be around. People with insecure or anxious attachment don’t have to be blown off by partners, some empathy and holding needs to be shown and we do better with partners who are secure themselves.. I read a good book a while back called Loving An Adult Child, which explained the wounds those of us who come out of a history of multi-generational abandonment or addictive trauma carry and how to love this kind of person…I draw comfort from Al Anon friends who stick by those of us with trauma and love us despite our wounds.. Some of us are trying so hard to heal, and we must always recognise that stuffing up and making mistakes present divinely orchestrated opportunities for growing in self awareness and healing.
Emerging From The Dark Night 