falling satellite

actually did I abandon you

or did I just need some space

from a trigger

about my height and skinny ‘weight’

(echoes of childhood bullying?)

part of me just bristled

while yet another part knew it was a joke

while another longed just for a place

open and free

so far away from all of this

anxious attachment/abandonment confusion

now I weep

with tears stinging as they dry on my cheeks

whipped into a whirlwind trying to

eat and live

while holding the pain of longing for your closeness

deep inside my heart

while knowing how often holding was absent

So often that like an abandoned satellite

I just fell through space

freed from any loving

gravitational field

why blame myself

Apologising for my part

I reached to you for understanding

and all you could feel was your hurt

but deep inside this hall of mirrors

where does the pain belong?

go free my love

if you need to

for I don’t want to hurt you

with my injuries

and as much as long to love you

can I truly

or is this just

a hall of mirrors?