I cried so much after writing my earlier post about cutting off from Chahir, after reading it back and feeling the truth deep in my gut and my heart I got to see I am just like my parents and did to Chahir what they used to do to me, we had to be busy doing things all the time and there was no emotional holding or time to rest together and be quiet and calm and deeply connected, held inside an inner peacefulness. I may be just like them while railing against them for it.. That said when a friend is in need I try to be there and I know I would always try to comfort someone. I just had to write this to get the feelings out… I feel very sick to my stomach right now.. there is a hard part of me that cuts off when I feel hurt and will go after what it wants even if others need me and that conflicts.. This is such a conflict, one I will have to unpack in therapy on Monday.. I just worry too that as an airy person I intellectualise so much that sometimes I lack the capacity to respond to a loved one who needs me in a place of true feeling… Often I hear this saying my head “hello, I must be going”, sure this is all deeply related to early attachment stuff. I think in some way I abandoned Chahir… or it this all just inner child stuff… sorry folks for this babble but me being me I will post it, just to get it out there.
Emerging From The Dark Night 