The gardener came today and I always suffer from anxiety on the days he comes.. Today I asked him to trim back a hedge but was not prepared for the severity with which he did it… I was managing so much this morning with my PTSD, Chahir was messaging me, I had to eat and get Jasper out and my sister had asked me to go to the jewellers with her while Mum’s things got valued, I had to say no as I had too much on but then I heard Mum and Dad wanting me to connect with her… urging me to try to make it but it was too much.
This issue of attachment and connection is coming up big time in therapy right now.. Because my Mum was so often absent and when present was frightening to be around, I both long for, and fear attaching to anyone. I notice as Chahir and I connect I have the idea I have to get away and do something, it’s hard because I say I am going to go, while longing to stay connected. I ran out on my husband at 9 years of sobriety to pursue therapy due to fear and things fell apart, that said he did not like me being sad as I was when my feelings started to unthaw in early sobriety.
So, for me, its hard to stay connected while having my feelings, luckily in therapy I can do this now but Kat and I notice I often leave my most emotionally laden blog posts til the last minute in therapy…. and I am speaking of things mentally while not always feeling them at the time and vice versa…
Anyway I got massively triggered when I went out to see my gardener, David had hacked into one of the trees on my hedge, I was feeling emotional earlier anyway as I asked him for help with my lawn and he is not helpful at all, just makes facial expressions that make me feel I don’t know the right way to approach things, which may be true, him coming triggers all my absent father issues for me.. and may sound bizarre but while he was hacking into the tree I was inside after walking Jasper having a full blown panic attack.
I took Jasper out again for a walk a short while ago and when I was returning in the car, this expression came to my mind : ‘cut down in my prime’, that is what happened when the Datsun 120Y I was driving in 1979 hit a telegraph pole and lacerated my body with the engine… I could not be operated on for days and was stuck in the car for over an hour while they tried to cut me out unable to breathe with a torn tongue, lost teeth and major lacerations and I was only 17 so I was cut down on the brink of blossoming too….
It is helpful for me to make these associations in my mind and heart. I makes sense of why I was so disturbed by the shrubs being cut, also as a sensitive attuned to nature I hate nature being hurt and that goes for people, animals and plants… It hurts me to see suffering… its just the way I am….and due to my own suffering on a bodily level I have more sensitivity too.
Anyway I managed the trigger.. I had a quieter day today, I went to therapy two days in a row this week as Kat is away for a conference on Thursday… It mucks me up when her schedule changes but we got to process a lot over those past two days, still I am feeling tired.. It seems I have so much to manage some days and some days I feel full of hope and life, other days tired, emotional and triggered.. that said I see myself riding the tide or emotional roller coaster as my blogging buddy Alex of Evolution of Self calls it a bit better these days with less deep dives and less time to come back to centre….so many of us are going through so much on planet earth right now, so in this I am most definitely not alone.
Below is a related post on triggers for others who suffer from PTSD. :
https://beingmjeveryday.wordpress.com/2020/02/24/day-143-hes-got-a-big-stick/
Emerging From The Dark Night 