This world is not the real world

Have been reflecting upon the traumatic symptom of de realisation today after therapy put me back in alignment after the dsjointimg of the weekend and Scotts re- appearance in my life. Also of the strictures I was born into in this world. There is a sense that as a child i knew myself ….. I was completely inside my real self but that, over time having to adapt to the mis shapen world of adults and rational civilise-ation I got lost or set aside..torn apart….trying to bend like a growing plant to find the love and light.

I am happy now when i feel my deepest connection to real life and nature within and without. This doesnt work in the technological or machine made stream although technology provides a degree of expression and etherial emotional connection for me. On my blog and in my poetry i find my enormity and feel where i was cut out or split myself. Leading to feeling ‘unreal’.

In the book The Velveteen Rabbit it speaks of becoming real when we are truly seen and known..

We likewise become unreal when we are not, when parts of us are not allowed to exist or we are told we will lose love . As a child such threats are felt energetically by our beings and soul.

I felt a bit unreal at dinner the other night. The food wasnt nourishing it was art food all.pretty architecturalised appearance with little substance…the monlogues by the chef went on and on…call me impatient but I like to taste my food not analyze it, but maybe this is ‘fine dining’ now. And we were pinned in place for over 4 hours awaiting courses…I like to eat by a certain time so I can digest well before sleeping… as it was I only managed a few hours sleep after being pulled awake at about 4 am…In time i found my way back to centre but yesterday was rocky on a bodily and emotional level. I was told by my sister yesterday afternoi that I hold onto too much from the past. Well being treated with insensitivity is not always that essy to blow off my dear!

With Jasper, in nature, listening to music, writing is where i feel most real…in therapy i feel realest of all. When I feel my emotions and bodily reality I also feel most real..body connects me to soul, life, nature, other people. Give me a touch of your hand if you want to know real….

Trauma survivors need to know our pain was real and yet to be free we must find ways to release it…having it switched off or invalidated locks it in, attatching to it too much stops growth and freedom and release. The journey to find our ‘real ‘ is a unique one for most of us. Finding ways to come to life after having parts of us put to death also is a journey that leads us back through fear..through love we find the courage to face and withstand the fire that burns up the false and leaves only the real. We must each find our own way to withstand the flames that burn our True Self clear!