I spoke to an old friend today. The conversation left me feeling a bit weakened and sad facing into tonights celebration.. I have been invited to my nephew’s 40th birthday dinner but one I am not sure he is happy about organised by my sister..doubts grew after the conversation and I felt weakened.
Currently I am out at the centre having lunch after shopping for a card snd gift. Yesterday I organised for the photo of my Dad in airforce blues to be framed for my neohew but he won’t be able to have it for 3 weeks so I bought a book as well. I feel pleased for my choices. He was 5 when Dad died and so sad to lose his Poppa..I wanted to honour that with a heart centred gift..just sad it won’t be ready on the day …
I will put my fear and apprehension to one side and front up despite the drinking, I will dress as I wish not as my sister told me I should..it was probably only a kindly suggestion but I bristled at the idea I get a professional blow dry…..that triggered old wounds this morning as I dried and curled my own hair, then had a panic attack..after shouting ‘No’ loudly. Imteresting!!! Im not 5 any more but sometimes it feels like it.
Climbing up the stairs at the shopping center after buying the book and card I saw a small boy struggling to climb the high stairs with his dad whose hands were full of stuff. I gently took the little boy’s hand and helped him and his father told him to thank me but the boy was shy and turning his face away so I gently touched ‘Dad’ on the shoulder and told him he didn’t have to. How often have I felt like that small boy? Maybe, as astrologer Liz Greene so often says, life is like a hall of mirrors in which we see parts of our inner self or shadow constantly reflected.
Should I constantly steer clear of life and other people as my friend who is in a great deal of emotional pain suggested today or is life about fronting up in a full hearted way knowing people and conditions are never perfect but taking the risk to love anyway? My friend suffers from ongoing stomach issues..I feel for his inner child. In the end we all have to find our own way of negotiating life and the mine field of other’s energy. It takes savvy in my experience and a lot of experiences, both positive and negative, especially for emotionally abused sensitives and shadow carriers. I just know I don’t want to die without having fully taken the risk becoming fully alive and awake to love, and when I can be a light or offer a helping hand most especially to my self when I struggle with inner negativity, doubt, darkness or feeling too fearful and small in the face of life’s challenges I want to be fully present and show up for life.
Emerging From The Dark Night 