Speaking up about what happened in our family has not been easy. My sister and I have been talking lately of how we were hit by Mum and also told to deny the hurt, I recalled too that when Mum injured herself Dad tried to deny she was hurt. So that thing of doubting my own emotional reality is very strong inside of me. But speaking about it with my sister we both agree it was real and caused great levels of anxiety.
Last night I took my sister out to dinner for her birthday. It was a lovely meal and we got to talk about her son and how he has treated her over the years. I know it is not easy to grow up as an adult child of unhealed or recognised trauma. I saw it all getting into AA how much the connection with addiction and bi polar was drawn, I got to reading all of John Bradshaw’s book on toxic parenting and shame and it resonated but I could not remember the truth of my deep emotional hurt and neglect for some time as I was always blamed and always tried even harder to please anyone. I gave myself away so much in order to stay connected and turned myself into the one who would try her best to give the missing love and holding we never got as kids to my siblings and to my mother after my father died. My friend Chahir also sacrificed to stay close to his own Mum, abandoning his studies and we talk of our sacrifice a lot lately I see it more in terms now of honouring the feminine and I think I was a strong caring individual in many ways to make that sacrifice. I got over the years of sobriety with Mum (25 in all) to hear more of her trauma history and she opened up to me about the abuse at my grandmother’s hands about 10 years into my own recovery and told me she didn’t blame Nana and sadly due to this did the same thing to us, abandoning me as Nana abandoned her emotionally. I think she began to realise it in the later years after I ended up separating from my husband but it wasn’t until I got breast cancer in 2016 that I touched the reality and a lot of the rage came out. Mum just could not be there for me in any deep way at that point and luckily I found an excellent therapist after having several tries and aborted attempts between 1992 and 2016. I am grateful to each therapist who taught me what good and bad therapy is and also that not everyone can contain you in your original wounding, or at least, only to the level they have faced their own or had healthier parenting.
I can genuinely say today I love the human being I am as well as the parts of me I am discovering. I have so many wonderful qualities. To say this as a child in a Catholic education system would have been considered ‘bragging’ or ‘being too big for your boots’ sadly. But today I know despite my injuries to self love and self esteem I am a brave, wise, funny, kind, caring and sensitive person who loves to ponder deeply. And I have been through enormous levels of personal injury and pain as well as toxic relationships to get to here. When Christ talks of being reborn by fire and water on the individuation journey I know without a doubt in my soul I have lived that path.
To own my abuse and neglect story as well as the feelings that I endured and have them validated in therapy and with certain others has helped me to know the truth, but trusting my gut and my body tells me more. Slowly I am seeing old damaging patterns I have carried. But today I feel the possibility of change. God is always leading me towards my healing and healthier relationships. He is always putting those in my path who will bring me the lessons of learning and growing in love, and if I pray to him he gives me the strength to own the true emotional reality of my experiences even in the face of derision or those who would prefer I stay silent about truths that scare or confront them. This for me is authenticity and without it the living deep soul and spirit that lives within each of us is not free to breathe the air.
Emerging From The Dark Night 