I noticed today when my breathing started to get laboured. I got a text from my dead sister’s youngest son very late last night to wish me Happy Birthday and it had some photos of his family which I was so grateful for. He then sent through photos of my older nephew’s recent visit, the one who lambasted me and cut me out of his life over the scammer all those months ago. That was okay in a way, I was happy they all got to catch up and I have to accept wht I am powerless over, never the less I did risk trying to express and protest some of it with my other nephew. That is when I noticed my breathing got laboured as my heart started to beat fast, and the inner voice said to me “why bother to do that, express how you feel, it is as it is.”
I am having doubts lately about just what to express and not express. I know depression comes from repression of feelings and engaging in excessively negative or doom laden thoughts but the way we frame trauma or conflicts with others plays a part. I owned that how I was treated had (at the time) broken my heart, AND that I felt unfairly dumped upon. I didn’t cut anyone out of a will and I was all prepared to do my very best to make it right before now, but (AND THIS PART OF THE REASON I HAD THIS POWDER KEG OF RAGE EARLIER) I wasn’t the one who started all of this, and Yet I have been the scapegoat.
As they say in Al Anon when it comes to the disease of addiction those of us affected by the family disease didn’t cause it, can’t control, nor cure it, but my life has sucked big time due to the trauma to my older sister and none of those boys came back here to support their mother, although the second son wanted to and EVEN ASKED MY BROTHER FOR HELP AND HE WOULD NOT GIVE IT. That said maybe it was best for those boys o keep a distance and get on with their own lives away from the trauma, there are no rights or wrongs, only choices. Maybe I should not have come back to support my mother and sister either. Maybe I should have broken away to my independent life BUT I DID NOT.
The way through now lies in accepting I made the choices I did, I coped the consequences I did as the youngest child. I struggled as I did. I kept giving love even when I was hurt by family, I didn’t keep up boundaries at times. I always knew entering sobriety would impact more than just me but there was just so much I could not see when I made the choices I did all along the line.
Making the final decision today to let go of the smaller, cleaner more contained townhouse and stay in my older place that it is full of my soul stuff and a bit of a mess (at least when viewed through the eyes of the perfectionist, OCD part of myself I inherited) maybe a kind of victory. I just don’t know yet. Staying here means I accept nothing is perfect, that sometimes things run outside of my control and that, at times, I bite off more than I can chew. I hope it is the right decision but I just don’t know at this point.
And despite hearing critical voices telling me to close down my blog and stop writing about others who may be hurt I will continue to press on and be brave about expressing myself and my heart, while adding the proviso that what I write here only comes from my experience and that I do not have any kind of hold on a ultimate truth. If I give up my blog that is just giving into fear and self doubt. So I will continue to write while going through angst when others get triggered because life is not perfect and we each react out of our own stuff. The emotionally mature amongst us are better able to own that and we all have blind spots. That said I will try to keep to the Al Anon concept of not gossiping or criticising while trying to keep love in my heart even for those who feel I have hurt them or have hurt me. God knows being part of this family has been tough but there are always tools available to help me cope and always times I continue to learn from consequences that play out, for God also knows life and human beings are complex.
Emerging From The Dark Night 