I believe there is a force for good that wants us to live and love as our true selves. There are environments in which we cannot breathe too easily and people who stop our breath. Its just the way of life and we cannot enjoy being around everyone, but when you are with a true friend you know. I had that experience last night of being with a very old friend who I can talk of anything with and be understood.. We laughed and we talked about serious stuff and I got to know inner dimensions too of her past after sharing some of mine around trust issues. This friend is so kindhearted and generous, I cannot but love her although I did feel a bit guilty that she took me for dinner and got me a present and the dinner was very expensive. I wanted to pay part of it and felt a bit anxious about the cost, but that is my friends, they just are very generous and I will find ways to give back when I can.
All the painful issues of the past seemed to have reared their heads around my birthday. I am grateful for the family connections that seem nourishing, I want to let go of other things from the past because a lot has gone down in our family over years. I know certain family members are a little more closed to things, but its understandable. The important thing is to accept where people are at, even if it stresses you or causes you pain. You can take the risk to open up and address things with others if necessary and if it feels right.
I feel grateful when repair is able to happen within a relationship. I was able to discuss some hurtful thing with my sister this week and she apologised, but I also see things from her perspective, we were not close in a normal sisterly way growing up as she was my boss from age 13 and when I asked to join the family business I was not allowed. It may have been a good thing as it may not have suited me but it still did feel like a kind of rejection, so I went on my own path. My education was arrested along with my normal path of development in so many areas due to the accident and Judith haemorraghe at ages 17 and 18, then all the other complex attachment separation trauma that went on. I no longer blame myself. And I know its not wrong to be still wanting a healthy adolescence at age 58. Most of all I am longing for fun and release from insane fears or restrictions as there was so little joy and fun in our family life due to all the denied emotions and trauma. Luckily in later years we did get to have some fun with Mum and my sister tried to organise that but the difficult bonding attachment trauma often stood in the way of these happy times and my family’s difficulty with knowing how to handle my PTSD. Everyone did their best at the time with what they knew, that is what I accept now. And its never too late for understanding and healing.
I am also learning when its best to shut my mouth. Not everything needs to be said or changed and not all of it is up to me anyway…. I have control over parts of my own life but not others and they have free will and their own life and needs and values that don’t necessarily have to agree with mine, all of this said at times I feel the higher power close to me, making things easier and offering opportunities for healing. I am glad my nephew called the other day to voice his concerns over his children and I understand where he is coming from, he wants to give his children a life free of family emotional complexities, but I do believe kids see more and are tougher than we give them credit for. The heart of any child is important to me. Whenever I am with kids I try my best to enter their world and not impose one, each soul knows what it knows, sees what it sees, and feels what it feels for a reason. And when heart and head are aligned rather than mis-attuned that is when we are given the opportunities to feel most free, awake, switched on and alive. Our higher power wants that as well as our ability to embrace the heart of conflict and allow it to work its necessary transformations upon our soul.
Emerging From The Dark Night 