I am doing okay I just want to say before starting this post but today massive surge of rage and life energy just burst through me for all I have had to endure in my life and how I struggled for free expression only to told to be silent about certain things. Don’t get me wrong I get it and I would never want the grandchildren in an alcoholic family to suffer that is why I am not posting any more about things I saw go down which were emotionally abusive and repressive in my family. It took everything in me not to post a post about what was done to my mother and sister at the hands of my sister’s son years back all around the anniversary of Dad’s death, suffice to say she as trying to claw her way back after a suicide attempt and was not allowed to go into a collapse because she was ‘ruining a happy Christmas’ FUCKING MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL BUT IF YOU HAVE BEEN BEATEN YOU FUCKING BEAT OTHERS UP.
WILL NOT SAY MORE BUT I AM THE WITNESS. I WILL NOT BLAME, I WILL NOT JUDGE BUT I SURE AS HELL SAY WHAT I SEE THAT I FEEL COMES OUT OF IGNORANCE OR UNCONSCIOUSNESS IN OTHERS ESPECIALLY CHILDREN OF PARENTS STRUGGLING WITH BI POLAR . I see the connection between past trauma, addiction and buried emotions due to the insights gained after over 26 years of emotional sobriety and recovery and I am not going to claim any high ground, I can’t. I have been to hell and back with addiction and even in sobriety I have struggled with emotions. I have been, at times, nearly crippled or drowned under their weight and what we carry in the body is not just ours but multi generational, especially as far as somatic memory is concerned.
But to be silenced is hard. We suffer for every single hard won grain of knowledge we gain into trauma and emotional wounding. Until I got into Al Anon Family Groups after Jonathan left me (at 11 years of sobriety) I took the blame for my addiction and was blamed by my Mum. I was told I was the only unwell one even thought I had two sister’s try to take their lives. I don’t blame Mum, she was an adult grandchild of an alcoholic she never got to know. I believe her father suffered war injuries and was on the booze too from the little Nana told Mum. He died when she was 7 and Mum carried that anxious hypervigilance and fine hair trigger reactivity all of her life, thought the violent outbursts did slow down in later life. My other sister’s second son shared that he was beaten both with wooden spoon and the strap more times than he could name. My older sister was also a compulsive cleaner.
The truth is we cannot erase the high charge we carry in terms of this stuff quickly.. its a process of ‘being restored to sanity’. From what I see children of parents who were beaten carry some of the charge even if the parent finds a softer way to deal with it, which is why it may be important to talk of it. That said I will never talk about the grandchildren of this son as I have said I would not but I just cannot be true to me and be totally silent at this point. That will impact my body.
The rage has passed now. I made sure I got physically active as I was getting scrambled this morning at the thought of having to drive to the coast with my sister in her car. She is a lead foot and I am thinking it may be best to take my own car so that I feel safer. I will have Jasper with me and I know I wont be on safe ground there as the place has been pretty much taken over by my nephew and his family up until now. That said I know they don’t mean any ill…but I don’t want to loose my power there. Partly I am very anxious about going as it is going to trigger a lot of past trauma and I have so much to deal with here, I just wish in some ways I could stand on safe ground. Its important I share my anxieties about it here. It may just be a case of False Evidence Appearing Real but I know there are elements of sanity in my fear. I have often been disempowered by these full on addicts in my family…..at times it just makes me want to retreat to a quiet alone place far from the maelstrom which is pretty much what my family was even when I chose to move back here 9 years ago. I needed the support then but the cost of all the illness has rebounded on me to the point I got cancer in 2016. I don’t want to get sick again and today I felt my immune system struggling at the thought of going to the coast. My sister is medicated and I saw sign of the med droops at lunch yesterday, she isn’t feeling any feelings at the moment and I feel more around her. As an empath I have to take head of my fear it may be a message from my inner self. I will stay close to my guides over the time and keep praying and tuning into my body for guidance as I am learning that never fails me.
Emerging From The Dark Night 