Whatever happiness I once shared with Chahir has gone now. I could not sleep until 3 am last night, and then only for a hour and a half. I protested what I thought was unfair about it all but in the end it is broken. Today I must find a way to move forward The intensity of feelings of grief and disappointment and deep deep suicidal feelings and that just rode up like a wave the dark hours felt like it was about to burst my body. Something was trying to move its way through.. Today i feel trapped back in a joyless existence of responsibility to a old house and the temps are soaring sky high again. It makes me truly worried, the intensity of the heat.
The moment of joyful free expression, poetry, play spontaneity we shared are gone now. He was truly my spring opportunity for a while. I hoped to meet and explore our souls and unfold our sexual connection then, but it got forced on messenger and triggered something deep. I reacted and he got pushed away. Jasper looked weary of it all as I swept up the leaves outside today foregoing our early walk. I felt trapped again in the alone old pattern but I know this is not the end of new chances, if anything this recent hurt is prompting me to connect more with others. Its just I felt Chahir and I touched souls, but maybe it was all just an illusion in my mind.
So here I am still alive and breathing apart from one panic attack. Im trying not to identify with thoughts bad ones will only take me down and I’m not going there today, but I do miss him. I am not going to lie. But in the end he doesn’t like who I am and thinks I am a faker. It is what it is. I made some mistakes but so did he. In the end it just didnt work out. I hate being misunderstood and misjudged but maybe I did that same sometimes. Being left waiting not knowing he was sick in hospital for 5 days was the trigger that started all of this.. so maybe its partly down to my abandonment trauma. He could not hold a thought of my goodness through it all. I cannot change that. It hurts.
I get myself our of the house to be in life somewhere…this place feels like a millstone at times…with so much to fix..and when inner negative shaming or suicidal voices come I move. I called lifeline yesterday to say I was feeling suicidal and the woman helped me alot. I know Chahir has just been a trigger to open up old pain. But I dont want old pain to keep going on. I must source within with those who may show empathy to my insecure attachment while encouraging me to grow, but maybe I am meant to do it for myself. One thing I know is that no one is coming to help or share my life that was all just pie in the sky.. his promises of coming. And all because I shared that sometimes I don’t feel safe and need reassurance. But maybe I wasn’t holding well enough on my own.
Today I will look for the joy in something. What is gone is gone. I cannot change it so last night for a lot of the night I Just lay repeating over and over God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Emerging From The Dark Night 