Sometimes I think I should give up some of my analytical posts in which grapple with my PTSD and relationships. Sometime I think more is communicated of the soul deep in silence. And when it comes to Facebook messaging and texting to be honest lately I see how impossible it is. It leaves out entire dimensions and if you have deep attachment or abandonment wounds opening up in this way can only lead to pain.
I am so deep in the torn place of abandonment today. I tried to get clarity over my recent struggles with someone via the Awakened Empath page because my therapist session was held back by a day and he claimed I misrepresented him. What happened was that certain people lept to judge him and as soon as I saw this I took the post down, but by then it was too late and today he has told me I tried to paint him as a sex addict and nothing could be further from the truth. He claims that by opening it up I did not respect the relationship, but he went silent and absent and would not talk to me and I did not know where to go with the confusion.
I just had a massive crying session in the car as I felt the longing to be able to go to my parents with pain and only be met with silence, disconnection or judgement. Today he told me I deserve to meet someone who understand me as he doesn’t. And that hurts so so much. BUT I HAVE TO COP IT. But fuck it hurts in my body right now, I have nearly been driven insane with the pain today. I was hearing voices telling me to end my life earlier, again. There is no middle ground for discussion only this cut off and slam judgement that I did everything wrong by reaching out to others in my confusin, so again I felt so wrong and I know somethings I did may not have been the best but I never did them out of intentional malice.
I think I have been holding such pain in my body for so many years now. My gut is in spasms and my hearing is being blocked in the right ear. The storm in my body earlier was so hard to contain. I couldn’t eat until 11 am.
I know the only way through this is to keep turning inward to comfort my inner child who feels she did something wrong for speaking up. She feels like she is flawed in some way. A Facebook friend of mine gave me some support this morning. He said he doesn’t feel I did anything wrong. As far as I see it as long as everything was happy and bright with this person all was fine but the minute I began to express any insecurity at all he personalised it.
I am insecure. I have insecure attachment and its not a case of just getting over it..its an issue with a lot of adult children of alcoholism and they cant be told just to blow it off when in the stages of healing and coming to consciousness. That said I do need to hold my own abandonment pain which is huge at present. I know its not an adult state and my little one needs the adult me to show up its just sometimes my adult self totally disappears and is obliterated by feelings, Kat my therapist would say this is because I am, at that point, age regressed and all this fear is very much tied up too with how my brother in law treated my older sister when she was broken from the haemorrhage, leaving her for another woman at her lowest time. Just tears my heart apart right now. No way am I going to blame myself for my trust issues, right now. To do so is just not fair. But God abandonment trauma is intense. Today it literally felt like I was dying or going to explode.
Emerging From The Dark Night 