People cutting off contact when there is misunderstanding or conflict is a huge trigger for me. I struggle with emotional overwhelm at these times due to the fact my parents never helped me to mediate strong emotions and often I was sent to my room. I was told not to leave until I was told I could and inside that empty room I was left all alone with big feelings and thoughts, so much so that when partners cut off I almost go insane with the feelings that get triggered. Things go round and round in my head until I become the bad one and Kat and I were exploring this experience today in therapy. I was also blamed for things by my parents I needed help with, it was a cruel kind of torture, to deny help in an indirect way through emotional misattunement and unavailability and then to blame me for not being able to sort things out.
When I got sober my mother unleashed a lot of this judgement upon me, but now I just see I was carrying wounds from both parents, neither could help me with. Today in therapy I was able to feel the grief of my father punishing me for things I needed support and empathy about. Kat said these powerful words “for so many years you have been aching and longing for someone to hold you and comfort you and there is great grief over that”. Wow did this make me cry my eyes out! The amount of times I have been left all alone in unbearable pain after suffering a trauma due to being forced to undergo things alone are too numerous to mention. This all got triggered over past days.
I feel ashamed of this young, insecure, vulnerable part of myself and I have had so much shame dumped on me in the past. I now see it was a real wound and also that I had next to NO boundaries with men due to longing for that holding and comfort which I would try to fill with addictions and random sex. I have a pattern of attracting men who try to move things to a sexual level too quickly. Kat said today that I she believes I actually achieved a victory by telling Chahir what made me uncomfortable. I shared about it on the Empath page and one lady said I needed to ‘loosen up’, the truth is it not a grounded real relationship with Chahir, its all via text so we cant go through those natural processes of meeting and dating for a while to learn more and build trust and take things at an embodied natural pace. Trust me too, to connect to someone so remote, due to the remoteness of my father growing up.
Chahir did reply to my messages today and said he would not speak of these things any more if I don’t want to. Part of me feels not good enough because of this still. I just wish I could validate and love myself EXACTLY WHERE I AM AT EVEN WHEN I FEEL SO YOUNG, NAIVE AND VULNERABLE DEEP INSIDE and even when I have to tell people no. I associated setting boundaries with being abandoned.
Both my parents had to grow up fast and they lived in a more natural world where they met at a dance and dated and then had what I believe was a good sex life, but for me its been a terrible source of wounding especially due to all the damage done to my small body by all of their carelessness and numbing out. I don’t need to take on the shame or blame FOR WHAT WAS NOT MY FAULT ANYMORE. But the default position is still to shame and blame myself and not protect myself and take myself and my feelings and needs seriously. I default to others at times and either collapse or appease. I did not do that this time.
This inner connection process I have learned via Melanie Tonia Evans is revealing so much pain kept under wraps in my body. It saddens me to see the damage I subjected myself to at the hand of men even in sobriety by not having better boundaries. I opened myself to abuse at times and the unfulfilled longing for an available parent got transferred onto those relationships which was not fair on them. I did not have the level of emotional maturity or intelligence to find words for expressing my needs and feelings as they were not noticed or valued in childhood. I found an excellent article on the Psychology Today site on Saturday that speaks of how a neglected child naturally loses their focus on their own needs and feelings to gratify others. I read it to Kat today in therapy and it really resonated for both of us.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/underdog-psychology/202001/empathy-s-evil-twin
All of this boundary work is difficult for emotional neglect and traumas survivors. But building good boundaries and coming to know we are lovable and valuable JUST BECAUSE OF WHO WE ARE WITHOUT NEEDING TO CHANGE JUST TO SUIT OTHERS is very important work.In the middle of writing this my sister called. We got to have a long chat about parenting and things. We spoke of the brutality of the nuns and how we used to be spanked hard with the wooden spoon. My sister told me she once broke a wooden spoon on her oldest son’s bottom. Is it any wonder he splits off feelings at times. The miracle is he hasn’t done this to his kids and so the next generation has not been a brutalised as we were.
It was helpful to feel at a visceral level today how it felt for me to be left alone as much as I was as a child. This morning I connected with the deep pain I felt when my older sister (who was my surrogate Mum) left when I was only 3. Today in the bath I felt it all from the child’s perspective not on an intellectual level but a deeply emotional one, my inner child is speaking to me most powerfully lately about her confusion and loneliness.
This afternoon the energy charge of my older sister’s head trauma hit me around 3 pm I was coiling and uncoiling on the ground feeling as though I would explode for an hour or so. I took part in a webinar with Melanie that focused on Quantam healing last night where she worked not only unresolved wounds from the inner child but the ones left as ‘junk’ inside of us by the ancestors. It would be hard to explain the process but it was powerful.
I felt my ancestors and their cry for healing and while this goes on you can call on your spiritual guides and the angels and archangels for help. According to Melanie lightworkers are here to clear out ancestral lineages with the help of both the angels and Jesus or other higher spiritual beings. The analytical rational mind might fight this and see it as twaddle but I trust in the process now. The second coming is about the birth of divine love which is blocked by old trauma that must be cleared and for this to happen we have to feel it to shed it and we can ask spirit for help with the releasing. Time in nature also clears us.
Interestingly according to Melanie trauma leaves us via the top of the head and you can connect to ball of spiritual light above you to help with the clearing. I had a powerful reaction after last night’s session. I believe this healing and boundary work is divinely ordained. There is a force of love existing in this world that wants us to clear and to be grounded in a sense of self love that rest upon our own soul integrity. Owning the power to address our own level of wounding regardless of who wounded us and what they are doing is the key to our healing. We cannot appease anyone and stay true to our soul healing pathway in a deeply authentic way. Cutting the ties to what is toxic and clearing that energy so we can be positive and loving is very, very important soul work.
Emerging From The Dark Night 