In his book The Five Love Languages Gary Chapman notes that we all associate different things with being loved or with loving behaviour and as I write this two things come to mind, time and presence or attuned attention. What also comes to mind are the five A’s that therapist David Richo speaks of in many of his books. Attention, acceptance, appreciation, allowing and approval.
The sad thing is that growing up the whole being that we are is not necessarily going to be fully appreciated, approved of or totally accepted by our parents, and yes children we do need boundaries but we also need our parent’s tine and attention and as I write this tears are not very far away. That wound of lack of time and attention runs very deep for me and I believe that in my past I may have been willing to sell my soul for it. I also worry at times it marks me out as someone needing ‘narcissistic supply’ but what I think I do need is to be connected to myself and to know what is and is not good for me. Also I can give others love but there comes a point where I am asked to cross a boundary and if the threat of losing love was there I could not hold onto the boundary due to fear of abandonment. I can also fear engulfment at times, because as a young child I was often engulfed by my parents or siblings.
People diagnosed with what is known as ‘borderline personality disorder’ are criticised for their need for attention which may come out in all kinds of indirect ways. Such people get accused of being manipulative when really its all about the unconscious wounded child and unmet needs….usually a lack of true empathy is being shown to them in this situation.
A child needs a parent there for survival and to help them. I was just listening to a programme on how to help kids who have recently survived the bush fires now they are returning to normal life and school, one of the psychologists on the program said that kids will naturally give up their own needs for play and friendships to do the right thing and be there to help their parents rebuild and this comes at a cost of their own needs and feelings some of which may be hidden or kept under wraps.
I realised today that I cannot fix the issue of the love and attention and support missing from my parents in the past. It has left a wound and one only I can tend, this makes me so sad at times, but it does mean I have some small power. It also means my self care and love is up to me. And it also means that I may have (in the past) had a tendency to blame others for not helping me fill or fix these wounds.
I missed Chahir over the past 24 hours. I knew I would not hear from him, or to be honest I prayed that I might, that he might understand how recent things have affected me on the back of the trauma of the recent dental surgery and reach out in love but he didn’t. Neither did I reach out to him. I am not reaching out as much any more to others at this point. I am learning to reach and focus inside, hard as it is.
Recent disappointments with men have shown me healing, at least at this point doesn’t seem to rest in an outside relationship. I pray that if, over the next few months I learn to really practice self love things will turn around in time. I cannot keep attracting partners low on empathy and I will not open again to the kind of abuse I recently suffered from my nephew on the back of that scam. Going through the pain of being lied to by yet another narcissist has nearly shattered me, but many don’t find their way out of narcissistic abuse until their 70s or even 80s according to Melanie Tonia…..my 58th birthday is only 6 days away and I want this to be a far happier year, so this year I have to start giving my soul and inner self attention. I need to really start listening to what is it I want and need now. Before it really is too late and I can only grieve that old wound now, knowing it is real.. Yesterday during a particular powerful moment in therapy where I was crying to the depths of my soul I heard my inner self say, ‘it perfectly fine to cry your eyes out, this is not just your wound that you are carrying, it is your mother’s and father’s as well as your ancestors, you don’t have to run away any more. You can be with this, you can face this, you can feel this.” And so it is I leant into my suffering and embodied it to release it through tears.
I do know enough to know that this wound in me is not the whole of me though. I do believe in feeling it I can separate in a way from it, in terms of becoming more conscious when it drives my life or causes me to blame others for things. Then I will be able to reach for the joy in life and not always be run by what was, in the past pushing for my awareness and conscious attention.
The next time you lose heart and you can’t bear to experience what you’re feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering—yours, mine, and that of all living beings.
Pema Chodron
Emerging From The Dark Night 