Dirty Little Girl

I used to listen to the album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road nearly every afternoon after coming home from school to a large, modern empty house. The big record player was in a part of the house we only used on social occasions and in the afternoons I would sit there with the tri fold album complete with pictures and lyrics and listen and sing and examine the lyrics over and over and over again. You could say that my parent’s emotional absence meant I turned to popular music, books or television shows as well as food to relate to something.

Lately I am getting almost psychotic surges of this inner critic energy. I just had one after lunch. I had been out to get all my groceries and brought them home, unpacked them and then made lunch but the entire time the inner critic was yammering, that things are ‘out of order’, after lunch I ran around madly with the vacuum cleaner while hearing a tirade from this inner punisher calling me a stupid, dirty little girl. I know in the inner connection process I am undergoing Melanie tells us we must speak to ourselves with self soothing or love but I also think the conflict with Chahir earlier today which led to him cutting off triggered me. I have been crying for a lot of the morning prior to this and thinking that I am narcissistic to have been so upset when he was in pain and then just to confront him for overwhelming me and not being in touch, turns out he was in hospital so now I feel like the bitch from hell because these are my wounds and insecurities NOT his, that said surely my trauma history should be taken into account. When people just cut off I find it deeply painful, it takes me back to that time of aloneness but today I just tried as well as I could to hold myself in the midst of what Pete Walker calls ‘the abandonment melange’ but I have having a struggle right now with self containment.

Anyway Elton John’s song came to mind in the midst of my frenzy a moment ago and I thought I would post it here.

This horrible part of me that pounces on me and on others for embodied, messy feelings and life is part of my shadow. I see it as a shadow problem. That said I tried to share with someone something that made me uncomfortable but then I felt guilty and so self centred as my own hurt and pain eclipsed his. Sometimes I really do worry I have NPD. I wish I could just relax and trust and relate to others with a sense of safety but so often all I feel is a threat coming at me from outside. Then my world just goes all so topsy turvy.

Post script : (listening to this song again I see its a really savage attack against the inner power of chaos and mess, all of which hold uncontained life.)