Connecting with my inner being

Things turned around for me today. Yesterday my despair was huge, I was so so weary and feeling so alone I did not know how I would go on, today an act of grace saw me connect with a programme on recovery from narcissistic abuse that I only wish I had found two years ago. Had I found this programme earlier I would never have given away half of my life savings to a scammer, nor given my power of happiness away to false promises. That said obviously I had to go through yet another episode of narcissistic abuse until I could get the message its me who must love me and this includes not treating myself with the contempt and self criticism I have until now.

Today I had a huge wake up call and I have worked my way through the first few modules of Melanie Tonia Evans course. Its already speaking truths I have felt for a long time, such as we only attract the treatment to us that reflects our inner treatment of ourselves which so often comes out of wounded scripts and unconscious programmes we absorb that tell us our value rests on winning love from outside. I cannot count the number of times I have given my precious self away in my life, I opened up with my sister today and told her honestly of my first disastrous sexual experiences and a lot of this has been coming up for me lately. I know I will not be able to heal from it until I come to value myself and realise where my willingness to be treated so badly by men came from.

The module I am studying now is helping me to find ways to connect with my inner being. As I listened to it, it occurred to me that the times I feel most deeply connected to my inner being are the times I feel most whole and most at peace. Often around others I can get fractured, though this is happening less and less, often I have looked outside to the wrong things for a sense of love, approval, safety and identity, but I am now realising that until I can find these from within and identify the blocks that stand in my way of them, I will never find true peace or happiness. From now on I must listen to myself, spend quiet time with myself every day and look for those things that release old trauma and imprints and enable me to reach for goodness and wholeness. Today I feel confident I can achieve this with the inward centred programme of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery offered by Melanie and am so grateful to someone from the Awakened Empath page who shared the link today. The connection to my inner self deepens my connection to both nature and divinity and those are the three connections that I value most, are the ones that I feel most sure will bring my life a true sense of peace, support and meaning. Learning the way to treat and talk to myself with unconditional love and support is the first part of the inner connection process, instead of in the cruel way I have in the past.

Only by getting in touch with your body, by connecting viscerally with yourself can you regain a sense of who you are, your priorities and values.

Bessel van der Kolk MD