Where to turn to comfort?

Somewhere along the path of healing, we have to find a way to face our pain and fear and hurt, as well as the other residues left inside of us. Contemplating this question today after reading a reading on someone struggling to know where to turn in the midst of sadness, grief and pain and hearing a higher power mentioned made sense. There can be safe people we can go to with our difficulties or pain but not many and often after a long road of struggle or running only to have challenging feelings or pains follow us we realise we must find a way to face and bear them. And the interesting thing in the reading was it mentioned pain does have an end, but not when we retrigger it over and over again, if we follow old destructive patterns or carry unrealistic expectations.

When I first got sober it was mentioned in the first three steps of 12 Step recovery that a higher power or loving force is always there within me to turn to. But at times I have sadly forgotten this truth. At times I have run and thought the answer was somewhere outside of me instead of within me. And pain in the end over hurts or disappointments is only as bad as we make it by rerunning it over and over and over again, hoping for a different outcome.

The steps ask me to hand over what I cannot change and pray for the serenity to bear those things that are tough that I cannot. I find when I practice this, instead of trying to control circumstances I cannot I suffer less stress, and far more peace. And the sad truth is that not everything can be ‘fixed’. It is something astrologer Melanie Reinhardt pointed out to me after I suffered the second accident and head injury which came on the back of trying to deal with past trauma that may have been better left alone. That said in the session before the accident I saw the impact of what happened on my parents and, in particular, my father. I felt for him. He had to endure seeing his youngest daughter badly smashed up and only 6 months later his older daughter forced into a coma after suffering a life threatening aneurysm. This may be in the background right now as the anniversary of Judith’s bleed is coming up in a few weeks time.

My sister who is still alive and I spoke yesterday of my other sister’s pain and my sister said “she is now free” and “its all in the past”. It truly is but it had an impact that does linger on in me. I must keep reminding myself that life is for the living and that I will not gain a single thing by suffering any more for something that happened so many years ago, the gravitational force field of it has, I have seen lately, been very hard for me to escape from.

In truth my sister over ran her boundaries and I must watch a similar tendency. I suffered a stress response by doing too much on Tuesday after I had settled into a calmer space, some comments that caused me fear on my blog triggered a terrible day of anxiety yesterday. In such moments, instead of getting busier, I need to slow down and just focus on the breath and pray to hand it over. Life in the present moment can be good if I make healthy choices and reach for calm. Relationships with others can improve if I reach for love and put past hurts to bed. Recognising what triggers anxiety for me is important so as to take the steps to limit my exposure to anxiety triggers, unless it is something I need to face up to, then I take hold of my own hand and find a way to work through the fear or the storm.

Speaking of storms, wild winds have been predicted again today and I am just deciding whether to brave a walk with Jasper before lunch and therapy. I did as recommended and moved things from outside that might get blown away. I am doing similar self care by making a time of centring to find peace and calm. I breathed my way through an anxiety attack earlier and am getting a better handle on how to take it more slowly and mindfully. Life really can be good if I make the effort to let go as much as I can of past pain and hurt and reach for what brings me soothing, inner connection, joy and calm.