Finding our way to truth is not an easy journey but we have to find it for ourselves… There is a wonderful quote about this that I cannot find right now. For myself the heartache over my past has been enormous. I still struggle trying to find my right and peaceful relationship with everything. I am a kind person so I don’t fully understand unkindness. But on this subject, today I re read a section in the book Born for Love that speaks of a young man called Ryan who invites a partially disabled girl to his party just to rape her and make of her a form of sport. He shows not one shred of empathy for her suffering. Some people would say such a boy is evil but when a psychotherapist goes into his background it is clear that he was never able to bond with his parents who were all about socialising and appearances and over the first 3 years of his life he was cared for by over 18 nannies, each of whom left him. He was not allowed to show or express his sadness or distress, so Ryan’s capacity for empathy was seriously stunted.
Those of us who have been subjected to the cruelty of the emotionally shut down narcissist who gets there own vulnerability scorched out of them in childhood, know what a frightening experience it is to be on the line of this kind of emotional barren coldness and frozenness, to be laughed at when you are in pain or mocked, is horrendous… It really devalues you and puts splinters of pain deep inside of you. In fact, today in conversation with a friend she said there is a German term for someone who takes joy in the pain of others ‘Schadenfredue’. Truly chilling that someone can take joy in another’s abuse, pain, or distress.
It was shown to me in a dream at an essential stage of therapy this kind of freezing in my own family, the sense I was never seen and often hurt by carelessness and misattunement, the sense of pain my body carried manifested in accidents but its not all down to my parents who had to grow up too soon. So am I to call them evil? Is Ryan evil? Yes he feels evil and most certainly none of us with a heart would want to be around this kind of person but I have know boys like Ryan growing up and have myself been raped when I was very drunk one night. The sad fact is that since my parents could give me no sense of value in myself I easily gave myself away when in the active parts of my addiction and I was too insecure to seek advice about taking precautions.
I feel a burning up even writing all of this but it seems important to share it. The truth is that the empaths amongst us don’t want to be around narcissists, its just too painful. I myself, have known my fair share. I do not know if I have ever had a partner who actually valued my feelings and sadly at the end of each relationship I was the one who was blamed. I even felt put down at my school reunion by the active drinkers with some of the throw away comments they made about my recovery while very drunk, but then its a numbing culture in many ways, isn’t it?
This is part of the reason I don’t often attune to the Aussie, blokey, jokey culture. I have walked out of family Christmases where shame dumping was going down. I went back crying only to be comforted by those who realised they had stepped out of line. Some people don’t know any better and some will realise when it is pointed out to them, so if it all gets too tough do we just turn on our heel and walk away or do we stay to try and fight to raise awareness against lack of empathy and emotional cruelty? If we just walk away what changes? In my family I chose to stay and fight and now I am getting seen by some people. As far as my sister’s family go recent comments have been made and I struggle with judging others as ‘evil’. But perhaps there is some truth in the fact that my family would rather down the booze and make everything into a big party rather than face the tougher realities that often underlie our family.
For myself now, I am finally finding a way to own the full emotional truth of what I have gone through in my life as a highly attuned ‘sensitive’, emotional intuitive or empath. Right now I have to acknowledge my courage and strength in staying to fight, rather than just seeing it as sign of ‘stupidity’ or error. Jesus stood up and fought against those who devalued or shamed others, he tried to fight also what others projected on him in terms of who he said he was. To be a worker for light means at times we have to fight the fight and we have to be strong. Yes, there is a time to fight, but there is also a time to recognise the battles we can never win but will only become more wounded by fighting. As Kenny Rodgers sang “you’ve got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run.” But sometimes folding over and playing dead in the face of the aggressor is not a sign of strength, but one of weakness.
Emerging From The Dark Night 