Stolen spring

I wrote a poem with this title a month or so back. Today I feel I will never find my way to that spring. This latest dental trauma has really taken me back down. It brought up the terrible fight at the coast just after Jonathan left me in which my sister made my mother chose between her and me, as the one she most wanted to be with and it was my sister she chose due to the fact I was ‘too sad’. I then ran away to the UK only to suffer a head injury and be asked by the family I was living with at the time to leave for the same reason, I was too much of a reminder of a recent loss. Thus is the fate of us Plutonians, the ones who go to hell and back and suffer emotional abandonment in a deathly, militarist culture that wants not a bar of anything deep or genuine or dark.

Am I sounding angry? Sick to FUCKING DEATH OF SWALLOWING IT BACK DOWN!!!!!! I blame myself for ever coming back to the darkness of my trauma laden family that spun out of control due to the fact my father was on the run to survive the Nazis. They represent all that was wrong with the deep split we suffered from the so called rational ‘enlightenment onwards”. I think therefore I am and other fucked up bullshit. I commented on a blog recently in which a writer claimed tears are dangerous and should be controlled, angry people should also be avoided like the plague because who wants to be around them? Yeah but Jesus got fucking angry with the temple got invaded and subverted to materialism and money lenders. Just what is the fucking price you will pay so as not to be shut out? And why pay it, if it means you have to ransom your soul for want of knowing and expressing your real feelings?

We trauma survivors are apparently all just ‘too much’ to cope with, we should be dumbing ourselves down or numbing ourselves out so that we don’t make other people feel so uncomfortable, helpless, powerless or upset. If we hold onto our rage we are spiritually inferior to others who have been able to ‘rise above it’. Yes, there comes a time we may choose to forgive those who hurt us and let go of the pain and hurt as much as we can because we realise in the end it is hurting ourselves too much to hold onto it. But there is also a time to feel our genuine sadness or pain or rage or fear and own it. Its only when we have the courage to know the depth of the intensity of what we feel that we can then learn to channel such feelings into more positive, healthy, soul nurturing directions.

My sister did reach out to me over the past few days of trauma, I was grateful for this but I still felt a simmering anger over the way she and Mum treated me at times. I felt that I had to swallow down my truth with them so many times if it meant confronting their dark side. I got guidance on forgiveness on Saturday morning when the sting of everything was feeling just too much to bear. The depth of the trauma to my face of a tooth with three roots needing to be extracted was enormous, the sense of unfairness that I had to go through this, when I have only ever tried to love and be real. The pain over feeling I was somehow at fault when I could not find a place to be real and free in the face of rejection, suppression and control. That I had to be ‘loving’ or ‘forgive’ or ‘turn the other cheek’ when I had been shat on, instead of say fuck it and walk away. All of this has been burning away as well as the agony of sadness for the young me who got cut down and shattered by a metal car and telegraph pole on the brink of the spring of my adolescence and stolen by the hand of Pluto and death. And today as I cried in the midst of the tears I had to ask…..”Why was I born.” The answer came back. TO BE A VOICE. TO BEA VOICE FOR THE FEMININE TO BE A SUPPORTER OF THOSE TRAUMA VICTIMS WHO ARE SILENCED AND MUST FIND THEIR WAY TO TRUTH IN ORDER TO BE REAL..

I got a glimpse of light this morning when Simon came to pick up Jasper…that was just a short while ago and I do have therapy at 11 so I will leave soon. I just felt this morning that that spring I glimpse the possibility of finding my way back to was stolen again in the aftermath of a massive procedure that has stolen more of my ‘bone’. That Saturnian structural part of me but maybe its just been an ever deeper excavation (Pluto) into the depths of the trauma and past ancestral history I have carried. Today it felt like a massive ocean, so intense in breadth and depth and power that it might swallow me entirely again and yet some glimpse of light did come when Simon and Jasper and I had some happy present moments as sunlight filtered down through the leaves of my trees after yet another night of rain. So many one day the possibility of a new spring will come again. Its just when trauma takes me back down I am once again in the dark history of being beaten up that seems almost to eclipse any sense of available light. But I guess that is not the full truth, only one aspect of what I live on my life journey of trauma.