My mind veers into some painful territory at times. It has a strong negative bias based on past painful abandonment and losses. I had a realisation of the pent up pain and longing I so often carry into relationships this week. I also really listened to my inner child this morning deep in my gut. She told me how painful waiting is for her and why. I cried then my anxiety shock shake magnified as I rode it through with the breath. I thought of Mums hardness and whirlwinds …. my inner child said Dad never protected her and just laughed he also over stimulated me by tickling me so painfully and would not stop..it was like a torture and often gave me nightmares…..this all came up in conversation with a friend a few weeks ago. So I strughle with fear and boundaries projecting what is often not current on the now.
Chahir finally contacted me. Turns out he had to go away suddenly. I was praying and sending him love last night and saying no to my fears which proved to be wrong. I ache for connection but silly self centred fears and anger soetimes push it away.
Knowing my inner world makes it easier to relate to my reactions and I am drawing great comfort from the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn right now on the cooling breath of mindfulness, when wrong perceptions arise on the vasis of past pain, I suffer and such suffering is so often needless if I can just get still and quiet and hold my own hand, then let go and get on with life regardless. Wounds to the heart of the past can cause others pain too when the underlying reasons are not understood. But when we know others carry suffering we are freer to respond with love.
Emerging From The Dark Night 