Fear can be the great motivator that underlies our responses and reactions if we have anxious attachment. If winning love depended upon staying connected with people who were not really interested in your reality, it may have been you felt the need to sacrifice how you felt, so as to avoid conflict and potential abandonment. That said I have heard it said somewhere that as adult, we can only be left, not abandoned, however being left by someone whose affection and love was important to us does hurt and can trigger all the old abandonment feelings and fear we never got to process or resolve as children. And the truth is that as adults we can hold ourselves through this (comfort our frightened inner child) and get help or support from recovery buddies or therapists in order to understand what is occurring deep inside of us.
I went to a very good Al Anon meeting on the subject of communication today, the best share came from a man who said that communication with his higher power was more important than anything else to him these days. He said he realises that he carries a lot of dysfunction and sometimes tries to insert himself in to situations that do not concern him simply to be attached. He said also he is realising that what he feels and think is just not that important to others who are busy leading their own lives (apart from one or two friends and his therapist).
This really resonated with me. I shared how I often felt as a youngster there was no where much to go with feelings and confusions and that a foundation of security was missing often and so I looked to substances and carried that hole in the soul into other relationships. With my ex husband we did not put the pressure on each other to fill each other up, we supported each other up until the time my therapy opened up grief and then it was hard for him to understand I had to put other things on hold to deal with that grief. I do miss that relationship at times now and see it was hard for him because me dealing with grief may have made it feel like I was emotionally absent to him and so he left. I forgive it all now and see it as all part of my journey in sobriety.
In my opinion we are very lucky if we can find a place where we can commune and communicate, for myself communication with my own soul is essential to me. I took the risk to share in the meeting that I communicate with dead loves ones all the time now, I feel the love I missed growing up when Mum and Dad’s attention was diverted and I understand how I continued certain patterns. For example when someone wants connection of me, at times I get scared and back away. I am learning not to do that so much any more. I am opening my heart again to the idea of love and connection with others that feels nourishing and affirming, rather than abusive and I know I don’t have to tolerate abuse any more.
Learning how to communicate, when to communicate and when to hold our own counsel is important in this life and in these times when so many have an opinion about everything, including the way we are living our lives, but in the end the way we live is up to us, no man is an island and connections that have meaning do help us to thrive as we are souls in bodies and the soul is built for meaning and relationships. A certain nihilism can come about in the soul of someone hurt, dismissed, ignored or wounded by trauma or abuse, a self protection to guard against further hurt… We need that for a time and then there is a time we do not have to hold onto it so vigilantly. Those poison barbs don’t lodge as deep when we learn they say more about the sender, or projector than the receiver and as long as we stay connected inwardly there is always somewhere to go deep in our soul to find healing and mend the wound, a place to give and receive love to our hurting, raw or sensitive spaces.
Emerging From The Dark Night 