Sadness has been catching me unawares over the past 24 hours. I had a major spin yesterday, I hadn’t returned by brothers call and he called again but mainly it was over financial things, he said he would come around about 4 so I stayed in but when he came he was, as usual on the run and handed me an envelope with some forms, commented on the solar inverters I had installed briefly and was on his way in 2 minutes. As usual I felt all my conflicted feelings, happy to see him, disappointed at his lack of time, guilt about talking behind his back with a family friend about how that side of the family seem to primarily care about money above everything else.
That spin eventually passed after an hour and a half and I made a meal and watched some comedy for a while before getting into bed and being overcome by a huge wave of grief. The loneliness and sadness was just so deep and I gave myself into it. I noticed all the tension left my body when I surrendered to it.
I also had a long conversation with my closest nephew yesterday. He was in a bit of a spin himself because his older brother is visiting, the one who attacked me over email and he is feeling anxious due to his brother`s narcissism and perfectionism and the fact often he likes to have a drinking buddy, he was saying he was seeing some bi polar tendencies in his brother and its something I noticed but more tied up with the alcoholism aspect in that when you do something to piss off an alcoholic they often threaten to cut you out of their life with zilch empathy or mercy for your point of view.
I also spoke to my sister who is enjoying her time at the coast with her son, being cooked for and relaxing with the kids, I am happy for her as last year she was not in a good way and had just undergone second breast cancer treatment and two hospitalisations. That said I don’t feel welcome to go and it would be so nice to spend some times with family. Then today when I went out to get my car cleaned and do some shopping while having lunch an elderly woman on a walker was struggling with her a walker just like the one my own Mum used in the last year of her life and I helped her to move the chair and then found myself bursting into silent tears after we chatted. This probably occurred as just a few moments before I was having a flood of memories of the times I went to that centre with Mum and shared a cup of coffee and a piece of sour cherry cake at the nearby café.
A short while later the lady`s son turned up but he treated his Mum a bit dismissively and was busily preoccupied with his mobile phone and not engaging with her at all, she just sat there quietly looking all around her. I finished my lunch and said goodbye and came home to Jasper, we`ve had a quiet afternoon in watching tele and resting together, but around 5.30 I got another one of those waves of sadness. Earlier today the doomed voice telling me I will always be alone was back and that no man will stick with a partner with so much emotional reserve and problem with natural emotional spontenaeity. I didn’t respond at all something Chahir said to me about emotional and physical intimacy either yesterday, I got all a bit freaked out to be honest. Its all very well communicating via messenger but its not real life and my doubts come in. These are my persistent insecurities raising their heads.
I just gave into the sadness a moment ago. I felt the old 5 to 7 pm ache associated with my head injury, usually I get bad spins at this time of day but today I had them earlier. I know we are in the wind down part of the year now, the final two days of 2019 and I am spending most of my time alone. There are echoes of this time of year radiating back to 1985 the year I lost my Dad to cancer very suddenly, with no chance to say goodbye. I think of how I fell pregnant the first year after in Switzerland and had to have a termination in January, of how the next year Simon and I met and spent a Christmas working in the White Horse pub in EC2 only to split up a year later, which saw me back in Australia only to find out my Mum was remarrying and there would be no place for me.
I had happy Christmases in sobriety with Jonathan before it all fell apart and I am grateful for those, but then emotional recovery took me into this at times very lonely place of healing. I broke up with my next and last boyfriend all around this time of year in 2011 and have been on my own since then, concentrating on my therapy.
This was my 3rd Christmas without Mum and I do miss her, today I heard her voice telling me how much she loves me and it felt very real. I wanted to say to that man sitting with his Mum that their time together is too precious to just spend it ignoring her while checking his mobile phone, but it wasn’t my place to do it. I love connecting with the elderly, they have been through so much but so often the world just turns a blind eye to them. Maybe its aging that makes it all more pertinent. As you age you have more losses. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for what I do have today which is a lot and there is always somone out there to reach out to if I get too lonely, its just today I feel a trifle isolated and sad, I know these feelings will pass never the less its good to share my feelings honestly when I feel this way, suicidal thoughts came up today, they did pass, but sometimes the chance of a brighter future gets lost. I must be honest. Its just where I found myself for a brief time today. Also I have had one week with no therapy and tomorrow is usually a therapy day. One more week to go and Kat will be back. Maybe I am missing that honest space a lot too.
Emerging From The Dark Night 