Hurting

Awoke to yet another message from the nephew who bawled me out over Scott six weeks ago, I am being discussed behind my back obviously by the other nephew I help all the time, love and support. He is wielding the big sword about how he will have nothing to do with me if I haven’t ceased contact. The truth is I ceased contact with Scott several times. I still believe in part of me he may be genuine just due to things he has shared with me. Never the less I had to block him for my own sanity yesterday but I wasn’t on the receiving end of true compassion from Chahir either last night and today I am pissed.

I truly helped out of the goodness of my heart and I am being maligned for it. I was crying and praying to Jesus today. I know he knows how it feels to show true compassion and be judged. Not to be shown mercy or feel mercy for someone who is genuinely grappling with a sense of uncertainty and doubt seems grossly unfair but I know it takes a great deal of spiritual muscle and fortitude to tolerate ambiguity. And all of this at Christmas. The way I feel I don’t want much contact with anyone in the outside world right now apart from my blogger buddies and one friend here who I trust to be empathic. I am truly tired of the world out there today.

Its an inferno here at present. I makes me truly scared for the world. I am considering where I will live in the future, if I decide to go on because living here is going to be untenable in summer, the writing is on the wall. I don’t want to be a doom and gloom merchant but today things look dark out there. I could not even walk Jasper, is just too hot. I think the mercury is due to drop 12 degrees tomorrow and thankfully the nights have been cool. Quite frankly I wish it could be night all the time right now. There’s been so much pain in my heart over the way I tried to help and now to be shat on again. Sorry if this sounds like a victim whinge but my head and heart hurt. I know I need to detach from my pain body right now and draw close to what is soothing. Thank God for Jasper, he is the only one I really trust to be around me right now. I am going to stay in, read my Rilke book and draw close to my inner world and soul for right now the outer world is only a source of suffering and pain. (that excludes the WP community though!)