So so angry

I nearly blew a gasket before. I put on the loudest music I could find to try and contain the anger I felt. I have tried to set boundaries with Scott since September. I finally told him its goodbye and he basically attacked my relationship with Chahir scoffing because he is younger and saying it is bound to fall apart as he knows the will of God (apparently though not in so many words). It rocked me so much as I went out without the phone after a friend who was going to come over let me down and I got so triggered it was hard to stop crying, so after staying with that I thought the good thing was to get out and get the food shopping I needed done with some other things.

Driving out to the shopping centre things are feeling apocalyptic here in Australia. There is dense dust everywhere with a red haze over everything and when I went out to get into my car the smell of smoke was overpowering, its so hot and dry and this is just the start of global warming as far as I see it. To be honest I rue the day I ever went on a dating profile and sideswiped on a profile that to be that honest wasn’t even very appealing but the devil makes work for idle hands as I now see it.

Many who have followed me for a while know the saga that’s gone on for well over a year now, my heart is in a vice writing this, its partly fear and partly the nasty things Scott said and I told him in no uncertain terms I find it nasty. God knows if Chahir and I will ever work out in real life, we live half a world away from each other and there is a huge age difference but at this point he isn’t asking anything of me and thinks what Scott has subjected me is grossly unfair. My guides tell me the same but part of me still feels wracked with feelings of guilt that I haven’t helped him with this final amount and he is using that. I cut the app again and this time I am not reinstating it. I will also block emails that come. He tried to say I am the sort of person who reels guys in only to dump them when the going gets tough when the truth is I have NEVER ended but one relationship and that was with someone with addiction issues where I felt I was in way over my head.

The only way I could deal with it today was fight back, poor Jasper I nearly screamed the house down, but with Jazzie if I am righteously angry he doesn’t run away but comes closer to give me reassurance, lately we have been fending off bigger dogs and birds trying to attack him. God knows I have never been big on self protection but this thing with ‘Scott’ has pushed me to absolute breaking point. He is trying to trash what I am developing with someone which is full of innocence, peace and joy and makes us both happy and put it down and I won’t stand for it Still somewhere deep inside my heart breaks over all of this because somewhere over in Africa is a guy who cant get out of a hellish situation and its only me who can help. Some (most) say its a scam, but what if it isn’t? Which he swears black and blue? If he dies is his blood on my hands? He talked about being beheaded by terrorists today. I just had to delete the entire conversation, whatever is happening to him is NOT MY FAULT!