I feel squeezed this afternoon. Its been two sociable days of sharing lunches with family and friends and I got home a while ago, feeling a little at a loss, the subject of Christmas came up and my good friend is having it with her partner. I told her I mentioned going to have it with family only to be asked where I would sleep, its okay I just would rather not push it and maybe that’s wrong. I found myself in bed last night waiting for Chahir’s message crying and having a cascade of old boyfriend memories pouring through me. I was listening to a few old favourite songs as well and it was good but sad to get his text, said he was really missing me too and how hard the nights are being apart. He is planning to come to meet me next year though but I told him Scott is still in touch, as soon as I mentioned this to my best friend today she told me its definitely a scam and is sending me a link to the Attorney General’s office. I am feeling yet again for peace of mind, I just need to let ‘Scott’ go entirely really. I told Chahir he is still contacting me and he said he cant support me being in touch with both of them which is perfectly understandable. I know where my heart lays so I have to cut off again.
I did some tidying up after sitting down to read for a while, I played an old Celtic CD I got for my sister Jude and used to listen to with her in the care home when she was alive, then I got the squeezing as more tears came out. Its best if I can tolerate these uncomfortable feelings without seeking to run or relieve them, I was in full on anxiety yesterday as 4 Indian Guys stomped all through my house installing the solar panels. They took the garden furniture and set up a little enclave for themselves under my tulip tree, I felt a bit over run but I didn’t say anything, they were here until 7.30 pm and cleaned up most of the debris so I am glad I didn’t wig out at all but just calmly made my dinner and ate it while they continued on. As an empath I don’t always find it easy to share my space but somehow I coped.
I got together some old photos to give my brother. We will meet with him for a meal next Monday night, he and his family will be celebrating around the corner. I don’t expect an invite and that is fine really I have not asked my nephew and his wife and girls around here either. I would like to but I am not sure if my place would measure up which is actually silly now I come to think of it. This Christmas I don’t bear anyone ill will. I would far rather keep a soft heart around everything. Lots of people struggle around this time of year so I don’t want to make it harder than it is. Sure there is sadness there but I have a lot to be grateful for. I am reaching out to ask others out, its why my friend and I met today and I am taking my cousin out for a belated birthday lunch on Christmas Eve. Reaching out beyond my own sadness helps me. Its up to me to light the candle if I want to feel the warmth with those I truly feel I can relate to.
Emerging From The Dark Night 