Its taken me some time but finally I am learning how to show love to myself and others even when I feel ‘up set’ these days which now I just see happens when the path of life does not unfold according with the way I hoped or projected it would. There is peace in this, I am coming to understand and I am realising too that many things are temporary, case in point the destruction and demolition as well as construction work going on next door.
There was horrendous noise and a huge mess was made over the past 10 days, but on Thursday after having a bit of a grumble about it on Facebook I got out and did some cleaning up to rectify the mess and low and behold things didn’t look as bad. My sister had invited me out that day so I got to escape anyway and when I got back they were pouring the foundations for the property. To my mind its far too large, there is next to no room for a garden and that is the way of things now, I know its out of alignment but I am powerless over that too. And I was sharing in therapy that its a bit like inner reconstruction work going on, one day even amidst all the noise I was able to show interest into what was happening and not be as overcome.
In my relationships too, it helps to give love. I may get upset or angry about something but usually its because my will, or hopes or dreams or ideals are not being satisified and once I accept that and turn my attention onto something soothing for me the distress dies down. I see the part I can play in amping it up with thoughts and negative thinking, also if I allow the underground emotions to flow I sooner come back to harmony and can look for a solution, is there someone else I can turn to who will not be as hurtful or lacking in empathy? Can I console myself and accept its just the way life is sometimes?
And it was lovely today I could actually give love and soothing to someone who recently lost a friend suddenly and was hurting and feeling very sad. I recognised all of the feelings and was able to validate where they are. It felt so good to be able to give love.
I have the workmen here today installing solar panels and have to be out at lunch by 12.15. That felt like it might be a bit overwhelming to me, and Jasper isn’t taking too kindly to having two strange Indian men working around the house. I see him trying to protect me and our space and notice myself there have been lots of boundary situations coming up with me and Jasper having to fed off attacks from larger dogs lately and hold to our territory.
I know now there comes a time to give up to connection and contact with others, a time to open to exchange. A time to set boundaries and a time to collapse them. Sometimes when I open my deep soul it is not always received by others, often I just have to have the self validation process from within, like when I went out with my sister on my Mum’s death anniversary and had to cry silently. Maybe as am empath I am more tuned into emotions, maybe due to my own loss and early ongoing trauma people naturally come into my life who have also or are enduring loss. The message I got today from the angels was that this is a gift I have due to my experiences. I can feel sadness and happiness and let both co – exist now, one does not necessarily have to overrule the other although sometimes sadness will eclipse happiness and joy, not unlike when the moon passing between earth and sun at just the right angle eclipses its light. And yet the Sun is always there shining.
And the truth is that when I let my emotions flow and they are truly received by others then sadness turns to joy. I feel what the Sufis such as Rumi describe in their poems and taste the bittersweet essence of life such as is present after a sun or rain shower the revitalises everything. When I can feel and express love then life becomes lighter and freer somehow, when I can free myself and others from judgement or blame then light shines, when I see the innocence under human ignorance I feel whole. I had one of these complete moments of peace last night after reading the poem I wrote about my father on Saturday afternoon, All Along, in therapy with Kat. I felt all the pain of longing for my Dad’s receptivity and expressed love that was absent so often and saw how that played out in my addictions and later promiscuity. I could see that that wasn’t my fault at that time, looking for love in the wrong way and not being emotionally attuned myself.
Today I feel self forgiveness and compassion too. In this at times very shut down world we are not often encouraged to open or wake up and yet we are being asked to, for our process is not separate to that of nature and we partake of that energetic interconnection, and when we block it, that has real consequences for our environment in many ways. Time spent in nature too, can help us unlock things on an emotional level and help us find beauty, rest, transformation and peace when we open our hearts and minds and body and souls to it’s healing power.
Emerging From The Dark Night 