Those of us who grew up with parents who would not accept our boundaries struggle due to the trauma of being dealt with in unhealthy ways when we tried to express ourselves or assert our needs. Below I am highlighting some of these traumatic or dysfunctional ways we may have been dealt with leading to damage and problems with ‘being real as outlined in Cloud and Townsend’s book : Boundaries : When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life.
1. Withdrawal.
Have you ever tried to express your truth with someone only to have them run away or shut you out of their life? Parents who do not stay connected and attached to their children in the face of disagreements cause a deep wound in their children. When kids act out they need to know certain behaviours are not acceptable but the loveablity of the child itself should not be questioned by the parent. I know for myself being sent to my room while struggling under the weight of intolerable feelings I needed help in managing was too much. I understand now that maybe as a child some of what I was going through triggered my Mum’s own emotional immaturity and she lashed out and then disconnected and I can see how later in my life this also caused me to run away or shut down under duress or due to fear of conflict or expression of differences. Parental love for the child needs to be constant even if the child is acting out in pain or out of a hurtful place, empathy needs to be shown as well as ways of soothing rather than amping up the charge of the difficult situation. Parents who leave their kids alone with intolerable distress so often set them up for addictions and poor boundaries.
In addition parents who blame the child for the way they feel and say that child caused them hurt are further damaging the child. They cause in the child then a deep boundary confusion and the child may come to feel that later in life they are responsible for, or the cause of things that actually have nothing to do with them. This sort of thing will also set the more sensitive amongst us up to be people pleasers.
Also there is a time in childhood where a certain level of omnipotence is a good thing, over time this sense of being wonderful, powerful and important will be given up in its more intense aspects, as a balanced sense of one’s own inherent goodness and worthiness is retained. Kids loved like this will not try to lord it over others or over ride their needs if parents stayed close and encouraged healthy boundaries.
2. Hostility Against Boundaries.
This occurs often when a needy or overly authoritarian parent resents a child’s assertion of separation or independence and becomes hostile or shaming. They may engage in threats such as : “You’ll do it this way, or else.” Or disparage the child’s feelings : “You’ve got no reason to feel bad.”, “Don’t be such a cry baby.” They may discourage independent thought “Don’t question your mother!”
The my way or else approach teaches children to pretend to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The “you have a choice” approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions. Instead of saying “You’ll make your bed or you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a choice, Make your bed and I’ll let you play x, y or z.” This gives a child a greater sense of control and responsibility.
When parents greet their child’s disagreement with hostility, the children are denied the benefit of being trained. They don’t learn that delaying gratification and being responsible have benefits. They only learn how to avoid someone’s wrath.
And the results are often hidden under a more ‘compliant’ front. According to Cloud and Townsend
When these children grow up they suffer depression, anxiety, relationships conflicts, and substance abuse problems. For the first time in their lives, many boundary injured individuals realise they have a problem.
Hostility can cause problems in both saying and hearing no. Some children becomes pliably enmeshed with others. But some react outwardly and become controlling people – just like the hostile parent.
3. Overcontrol.
This occurs when an excess of rules and restriction to keep the child safe are applied and do not allow them to make the natural mistakes needed for learning.
Overly controlled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have problems taking risks and being creative.
4. Lack of limits (emotional neglect).
Not enough limits being set around healthy and unhealthy behaviours is often a consequence of either indulgent or emotionally absent/distant parents. Such lack of limits hurt character development. When parents fail to respond to expressions of frustrations or unfair demands from the child with the appropriate limit setting behaviour or step in to clear up messes the child should be responsible for they do the child a lot of damage. A failure to stay emotionally connected also leaves the child alone to manage things they may not be able to express and therefore hide or learn to pretend about. Also if children are not educated that others are separate to them and have their own needs they may develop into controllers or violators of other’s boundaries later in life.
5. Inconsistent limits
Often a result of being raised in alcoholic or chaotic homes inconsistent limits don’t allow the child to know where they stand or what is appropriate. Anxious and insecure attachment issue are bound to develop. Parents in such situations often act out in anger or rage and this is confusing for the child who develops a deep sense of uncertainty around who and what they are and are not responsible for.
6. Trauma.
A trauma is an intensely painful emotional event rather than a consistent pattern of behaviour. Accidents, abuse, severe loss, death, divorce and financial or emotional hardship are all forms of trauma. Traumas makes the sufferer feel both that life is unsafe, and that they have no control over their lives, such a child has no secure foundation to rely upon and may struggle to build one in later life. Terror of feelings necessary for boundary setting may result such as fear of another’s anger, leading to compliance.
6. Our own character traits.
Some of us may carry the a sense of entitlement that is not realistic or feel that others are responsible for things that are actually our responsibility to address. Part of growing and maturing as a person with healthier boundaries involves seeing where inherent character traits we possess maybe causing ourselves or others distress and working to take corrective action by staying tuned toward help from our higher power or helpers in the mundane world who demonstrate a good grip on or understanding of healthy inter personal boundaries.
Emerging From The Dark Night 