At times it is very difficult for me to feel contained within my own skin and at other times I lose my boundaries and feel so amorphous. I had more contact with ‘Scott’ today and it was really nasty. I know the best thing would have been to keep the door firmly closed. Why did I open it again 2 more times? That said Mercury is retrograde and I believe when it ends this transit in 3 or so weeks it will be sitting on my Neptune in Scorpio in the third house and this is part of my achillies heel or weakness and a pit of longing from long past for a containing loving presence so maybe I have kept this contact up just long enough to learn even more vital lessons.
After Mum died this is what ‘Scott’ gave to me and my therapist believes whatever went down as a result this relationships was important for me, for I lacked a containing mind to be held inside growing up and I lacked the mirroring that would help to confirm ‘me’ and my identity and help me to develop good instincts and boundaries.
That said I feel we all have a personal spirit, Jungian analyst James Hillman calls it a daimon or guiding spirit that is unique to us. I see this spirit as individual, connected to pure life force (what some call God or Universal Source). We also have a personality that forms as a result of our relationships and Depak Chopra claims this is not the same as our soul which is timeless and can never be destroyed.
Anyway Scott offered me something for a time and that time is now done and someone else has been put in my life as a friend to teach me to guard my own energy. It is something that I believe empaths need to be taught to do, not to shut the world out but to recognise where we may be subject to ‘suggestibility’ and this strong tendency towards suggestibility is something Liz Greene, psychological astrologer explores in her book on Neptune, claiming that those of us with this force strong are suggestible, we long for a universal connection but at times this can be put onto things that are not healthy for us.
In AA we are taught to withdraw our energy of longing from substances and other people and taught to bring it back within through developing a personal relationship with our higher power, or soul and spiritual self. I am watching today the swings and round abouts my mind is doing in relation to ‘Scott’. Today he basically accused me of only caring about money and told me I can ‘eat my money’ when he sends it back. This nasty side has only started to appear since the other woman who he claims to have been a military agent has entered the picture and told me she was fed similar stories, something he has denied. Today he said “Fuck you and fuck her”.
I have deleted the app again today and I will not reinstate it again. I doubt I will get the money back, though he said when I do not to bother talking to him any more as all I care about is money. I had an avalanche going on in my body at 8.30 am after he said this. I was fighting not to have it dumped into me, as I have had to fight over the weekend not to absorb the unkind words and dumping from my oldest nephew. Yes, my boundaries have been weak. But this is not the end of the story. This is about learning.
Its also interesting that all of this came to a head as Mars squared natal Pluto. The square is exact today. Mars rules will, energy, self assertion and desire. Pluto rules what is hidden, force, manipulation, corruption, subterfuge and issues from the long past that still slumber and unconsciously affect today’s behaviour. I have been watching on television a couple of shows this past weekend showing Mars Pluto issues. In Neighbours one of the characters, Ned has been manipulated and nearly killed by a woman with psychological damage. In the series Patrick Melrose on Sunday night Patrick had to deal with the pain of his own abuse and trauma at the hands of his father after his mother dies. When he tells his mother of the abuse she does not believe him and she then leaves the family home to a group of strangers. Patrick struggles with his addiction in the painful aftermath and it blows apart his marriage. I have not watched the end of the final episode yet as I was not feeling up to it last night.
My throat was raw and body so sore as the Mars Pluto transit came to a head over the weekend. I did manage to get to therapy yesterday and my head was all twisted around. Just being with Kat for an hour got me into present time. I had to explore the anger I feel at myself for allowing myself to be pulled around for so long, the anger I feel at someone subjecting me to this especially on the back of the grief over loss of my mother but also the other more deep seated issues that contributed me being ‘hooked’ regarding the struggle to be seen, validated, mirrored and loved in my family of origin. And the struggle I have also had with developing a solid sense of boundaries and self esteem. I carried so much deprivation hunger and what Kat calls ‘developmental deficits’ so when ‘Scott’ turned up he seemed to offer the solution, but really I recognised today that what needs to happen is that I bring my energy back within myself to take care of myself, instead of looking outwards to others who will only end up retraumatising me.
I wont let this latest painful experience stop me from reaching out for connections but when I do I need to take my ‘Self’ along and keep good boundaries while also keeping my heart open taking cues from when it may not be safe with certain others or when they may be seeking to take advantage of me. I don’t like to live in guarded fashion but that said there is a time to be wary, exercise discretion, be private and self referenced. There is a time to seek counsel and mirroring of the self from within the Self while praying for support and guidance of a loving universal power that wants me to live, learn and grow.
There are others out there, empaths like me who have wised up to their own energy dynamics and can help me too. During this Mercury retrograde I will keep watch over what give me energy and what depletes my energy. I also am watching obsessive thoughts which need to be let go for peace. Getting active gets me out of my head and repetitive feedback loops that go nowhere and only make my energy spiral down or keep me stuck, both negative expressions of Pluto energy. (Mars and Pluto both rule Mercury during this current retrograde transit.) Mars wants to keep moving but it can latch onto damaging things when it hasn’t been honoured in an authentic way. This is most certainly a major time of learning for me.
Emerging From The Dark Night 