Remembering lightly

It would have been my Mum’s 95th birthday today, had she lived. It is the second birthday without her and I am remembering Mum today in the solitude. I am remembering her lightly especially as I sat having a coffee at the deli at the vegetable markets where we so often went. I am trying to balance past and present right now. Keeping my focus as much on now and trying not to be pulled back too deeply as I did grieve so many elements of my relationship with my Mum even in the years before she died.

I have sad regretful memories of clashes we had but I don’t blame myself or her, I know my Mum reacted out of her own past and was the best possible mother she could be, having had the lack of mothering and fathering she did in her own life. And on the final visit to her in hospital alone we had a deep time of peace where we held hands and ‘forgave’ each other, though on one level life works out as it did and there were thoughts and feelings Mum held inwards about me that she never shared with me.

I am feeling for my sister today too. I will call her later but I have organised to meet my new ‘friend’ soon, I did not remember at the time we made the coffee ‘date’ it was Mum’s anniversary. I know my sis will be feeling it and missing her a lot. My teeth ache a little writing this.

I did some pottering in the garden earlier. I planted up some new hydrangeas or rather the man who helps me once a month put them in for me on Wednesday, there was a very empty space where other older plants used to ‘live’ and died that needed filling up. I got overcome with memories and longing for my Dad too, when I was in the garden, my inner self said that feelings of loss are triggered whenever I garden as Dad lived a lot of his non working life in our garden in the last house in later years and was often in another world out there and very distant from me. I felt this with the gardener on Wednesday when I tried to strike up conversation and he almost ignored me. I let it go as I felt maybe he prefers to work in silence but it did trigger something deeper for me.

I had a panic attack after the realisation of what gardening triggers for me earlier. It shows me that when I feel the energy sucked out of me its because of earlier feelings and they are often not fully conscious and Katina made the point of the strong ‘watery’ influence right now. The Sun Venus and Mercury have all been in Scorpio for the past month or so and Sun is very close to my natal Neptune at the moment. I get very inundated at certain times of the day as I have shared before and have been having huge energy swings around the period 5 to 8 pm which coincides both with my time of birth and second accident/head injury. When I have these I think its fruitless to hope I can ever share my life again with someone. How would they cope with the way I am so porous and may burst into tears at inopportune times? The truth is around all these anniversaries I feel quite raw and naturally need a lot of solitude to feel the deep soul things. I know sometimes all my Aquarian planets intellectualise as a fear/defence against that strong Scorpio energy which has multigenerational feeling tones.

Well I need to eat now because I am meeting my friend soon. I am grateful to be drawing closer to my soul and my inner self. I realised today how cruelly my nephew treated me by saying the things he did to me. I suffered from emotional distance in my family so much and its not entirely my fault I attracted the lessons with ‘Scott’ that I did. I would prefer to see it as a sign of my learning rather than something I consciously did wrong to try to hurt anyone as my nephew feels. Nothing could be more ridiculous or further from the truth.