I feel as though I am existing in an alternate reality today. A lot has blown open over the past few weeks. I do not see things in the same way as I did even a few weeks ago. I see how much I have been led by unconscious longings and desires and I also see the unrealism in things that seemed to be true and I know now the truth of the statement that ‘feelings are not facts’. I also understand that the way we feel gives us deep guidance into what is important to us but we also need boundaries and sadly I do not think growing up I was helped in two essential ways. Firstly to accept and understand my emotions and deal with the many frustrations my family subjected me to, secondly to know what was right for me to take on and not take on board. I seem to be only just waking up at the age of 57 to a bit of a mess really.
That said not everything is a mess but it doesn’t take much right now to reduce me to a pool of tears. I slept until 5 am and then my body was being pushed and pulled around the place I then must have fallen into a deep sleep and woke at 5 minutes to 9 which IS SOMETHING I NEVER DO. Usually I am awake by 6 or 7 but last week was very busy with several late nights and all the shock/trauma of my nephew’s upset with me and then the very toxic things going on with the ‘scammer’. I am not reading or responding to any messages any more. I need to delete the app when I can again but part of me cant entirely shut the door. I would rather keep it on the phone but not look at any of the messages.
I made a new connection on Tuesday and we have been messaging and will meet for a cup of coffee on Friday. He seems to be a very gentle kind man who has gone through a lot, I really feel I need a friend at the moment, someone just to spend some gentle time with because so much time all alone is okay on one level but not sustainable 24/7. I have told him everything about Scott.
I was quiet frightened on Tuesday night after I spoke to my second nephew the pressure in my body was so intense that my nose started bleeding. I had that time of intense nose bleeds several times and it must be related to grief as the last time it happened was at Christmas when I spent it all alone with no family and my nose bled for over 3 days straight. It must also be related to anger and pain and the family disease of alcoholism as my nephew was sharing an incident where my sister was drunk and threw up everywhere on a visit when he and his brothers were both together. I wish now I had kept a greater distance at times but I love them too. Growing up in my family has been very very hard.
It helps me to write. I broke down with my cleaner earlier. It was a gift I gave myself after Mum died and I knew I would come into some money to get my house cleaned once a fortnight but we have had a confusion over bills and that triggered me because this relationship with ‘Scott’ has been so confusing. At times I understand my nephew’s frustration and anger with me and the family. I am like his mixed up alcoholic mother I guess and it was my sister who taught me to drink a lot and I saw a similar pattern with this nephew and his third brother. Not healthy at all. Our family narcissism has deep roots and its quite a long confusing process trying to extricate my ‘True’ self from it. I see that now.
Long ago I wish I had the courage to make my way apart a long way from family so as not to be tangled up inside all of the issues, but maybe I need to accept now it was not my path. There is so much I cannot change and at times I feel I am not living the life I was meant to and yet, how could it have been different? How could I have made different choices? I see that a lot of time I have been running on fear, unresolved sadness and a lot of anxiety. Today I just allowed myself to sit in my body after breakfast and feel the grief that wanted to release it self from my body and wash through me. If I am honest I have probably done well to cope with it all with a minimum of medication and other damage. The time leading up to a sobriety birthday (mine is 6 December) is always intense. I need to draw close to people in recovery right now.
I rang my sister yesterday but I felt she is back in a very sad low space at the moment. During these calls not a lot is said and I find myself growing tired and longing to not feel the sucking pull of all that lies in the intertestial space between us. At times with my family I have felt like I am stuck in mud. I guess the process of psychological separation takes time and is very very complex. Its not really something I can grasp with my mind.
I had the most powerful dream last night in vivid technicolour. It showed a body of water with these long spiral waves of orangey coloured goldfish swimming just below the surface. I was watching with someone from a distance or elevated height. I made the comment of a soul group and then the bodies became bubbles of water and light that rose from the water, floating up an were a very very intensely beautiful orangey gold colour. As I write this I cannot help but think of the sacral chakra in our energy body that contains the womb of all our multigenerational and personal feelings. Of course dreams, as deep messages from the soul and higher self do not always have clear meaning but I woke from this dream in such a deep state of relaxation, almost feeling like I was coming out of a drug state. I felt a shift today.
Maybe things of the past are washing away from me. Maybe all of this happening has a meaning. I just want to open to embrace it now. But I also know I have work on my own boundaries. It’s so easy for me to be shamed by others (with my weak psychological boundaries) and I do not think it is fair, for all the hard work I have done. My nephew said in one of his messages he sees nothing at all positive happening in my world right now. That hurt. My therapist doesn’t agree and at times I do feel a failure, but then ‘feelings’ in that sense of the word are not always facts. I know deep in my heart I AM making progress and other people do not live inside my skin and no one really as the right to judge another’s process.
Emerging From The Dark Night 