I keep wondering if my emotions eclipsed reason in all of my dealings with ‘Scott’. I now see that they did and I recognise the tussle I had in my mind between the part of me that doubted and the inner voice telling me to over ride that and ‘get over it’. This is an internalised voice from my Mum and I am not ‘blaming’ her here but I do realise that that inner voice telling me to over ride my intuition does lead to harm. I had it this morning when I put on a load of washing and part of me said to check for a tissue in my jeans pockets. I dismissed it and lo and behold a tissue went through the wash.
It is something my nephew bought up in his first messages. Anyway the struggle with the inner voice is to know when it means us ill or harm and that can be hard with the persecutor/protector within is either trying to consistently cut us down or keep us safe. That complex also has a profound influence upon the body. For me I often don’t know when to draw close and when to pull away, when to open up and say ‘Yes’ and when to say ‘No”. It is something I need to keep working to understand.
I also struggle with the inner child to know when it is reaching for joy and true life and when the wounded child may be running my decisions because in my experience the wounded child may carry a lot of longing and emptiness and frustration inside of it if we grew up in emotionally disattuned families. In the end we must find ways to attune to our true self and act from there. We cannot always look outside for our cues or affirmation of our personal ‘truth’. We are lucky if, in our life and recovery we meet those who help us rather than harm us in this way. I know in the fellowship I did draw close to someone who encouraged me at times to cut off from what was ‘good’ for me, such as active involvement in the world, while encouraging me in other ways.
I am grateful lately to understand aspects of myself I haven’t seen before, even if it is painful. I read a lovely reading on Friday that spoke of the need to be honest, open minded and willing to embrace insights and even difficult awakenings. This is often spoken of as the H.O.W. of recovery. Being willing to be humble too is important. To admit when we may have been misguided or hurt others. I am sorry for the hurt now my involvement with the scammer has caused others but in the end it was never about them. And its been hard to be put in the position of being judged as ‘selfish’ when I just lacked clarity due to not actually having enough of a ‘self’ to set boundaries.
Emerging From The Dark Night 