So young

I wrote this post about 5 weeks ago. I am clearing out drafts right now In it I was exploring the vulnerable young part of me. I hope it helps some others to read it.

There is a part of me working its way to the surface that feels so very young right now. This part of me is full of boundless enthusiasm for life, it wants to be connected, it is full of joy and spirit, heart and soul. But then there is another part of me that is like a critical parent too and I wonder if the child self struggles with the boundaries from the inner parent. For example I notice that I may over share things that may be best kept close to my chest but at the same time I need to reach out too. I do not always practice the best discretion.

I think there is a difference between judgement and discretion or discernment, its something I was thinking about in the shower earlier on. In discernment we do the loving thing for our self and others as well as the healthy thing. We aim not to hurt, we aim to take responsibility for what is ours and don’t allow others to make us responsible for what we do not have ownership of. But if we are very empathic and carry wounds or a deep lot of emotional need maybe we over extend ourselves too much.

I noticed that I felt very young at the school reunion with some people. Ohers I just connected with from a more equal place. Things got a bit sticky at one point as a couple of friend were asking about another girl we knew at school who I was very close to in the later years of my active drinking and I shared how she had rung me at work one day to say she would have nothing to do with me if I didn’t get help and stop drinking. Looking back its good she was honest but calling me at work and issuing such an ultimatum only drove me deeper into my sense of shame. The two people said she thought it was a good kind brave thing to do, never the less I shared my point of view I thought it was hurtful that she threatened to cut complete contact, after all my behaviour was not hurting her as much as myself even though as my friend I know it would have hurt her to see me struggling. The truth is that after I got sober she apologised to me for the way she went about things but as soon as I told the two friends about the earlier problem they rapidly got up with their drinks and walked away. And one of them by the time I left was very very drunk.

Anyway its not easy as a recovering alcoholic at times knowing what is and is not appropriate behaviour. I think a lot of very sensitive people turn to alcohol to cope and its also a way for some of silencing the anxiety of the inner critic or the part of us that makes us feel like we don’t fully measure up or belong. For myself drinking helped me hide me from me. It helped me deny my insecurities which over time only got worse.

I seem to be facing a lot coming up to my 26th anniversary of sobriety in 6 weeks time. I need to get back to meetings too and its interesting as I had a friend at the reunion who went to Al Anon for a long time and when I told her about being scammed and then shamed she said “get yourself to some meetings’. Other people in sobriety will probably understand more about what I struggle with than family since many of my family members are still actively drinking or using other medications. Not that that makes me any further along, it doesn’t but being in a place where I am with people who struggle too and are actively owning it seems to be more helpful. I also need to work on my ‘defects of character’ or weaknesses as well as honour my strengths. I cannot shift the blame for being scammed and shamed onto anyone else but I am learning very important lessons from the experience.