Now that the focus of my life has shifted after the revelation of a scam has slowly unfolded over the past months and I have been told not to contact one member of my family who meant a lot to me, there is a lot to process. I opened my heart to the levelled charges of self centred vanity, not believing that was my true motivation, it was to be connected at a time I felt disconnected but sadly what I have learned is that maybe the essential mistake I made was reaching outside for connection. I am wracked with guilt that money I could have used to help family has been squandered while knowing there is not a single thing I can do to change the past. That really hurts me as the money was supposed to be on loan for a short while but of course these are the lies the scammer tells and he is still trying to convince me he is real and to send more money, which I will never ever do again.
I do not know what motivates these guys. People are just object to them obviously to be played with. I don’t want to waste too much more of my time on it as it has cost me a lot but it has also showed who is willing to love me unconditionally and be loving rather than raining down judgement. There is still deep sadness there although it is not consuming me as much as yesterday and the past few weeks and months. I read back on posts I wrote and see how I struggled to cut contact due to my abandonment wound and not being strong to live with past pain that was triggered, way back in May 2018 when he initially asked for 1.300 US dollars is when I should have cut it but ‘shoulds’ are not very useful and I am sure my blog will drop off if I continue to go over and over this stuff which will end up getting me nowhere.
I also look around my house and see how my focus has not been placed in the best of directions. I have been in deep retreat but then when I am tempted to turn against myself and see everything as wrong, that is when I most need to change my perspective. For we do now know what we do not know before we know it and mistakes or wrong turnings may exist for the purpose of getting us on to a new path. I am trying to find that lately. One good thing is that this experience has made me open up and grab life, I was honest about it all with school mates at the reunion. I realise though that after the reunion things calm down and things go back to normal. If anything it highlighted the loneliness of my own journey but there is a spiritual component to this too. I could not help feel and think of the cry hidden beneath my nephew’s anger, disappointment and judgement last night. I keep praying and sending him love and apologies etherically. He obviously feels I have let him and his brothers down and along the way he had to fend for himself after my sister’s aneurysm so I understand how he feels. I am now to blame and I understand that need to blame someone. I truly do but I also know where it leads. Apparently his father was on the receiving end of something very similar and he died of cancer but he did terrible things with money too but not this kind of thing, as far as I know, trusting someone I had never met who hooked me in was silly I now see. I feel very flawed about it all. There is no moral high ground at all for me stand on and I am doing my best not to be dragged back into quicksand. Also I cannot ‘make amends’ for this. The money is gone.
The temperatures are rapidly climbing here on the East Coast of Australia. I just went out for a short while to get some groceries for lunch and I felt the state of crisis our planet is in. Today there protesters against mining have come under fire from the police, the have been accused of being ‘attention seekers’ to raise their Facebook or social media profiles. What the hell? It just goes to show certain people will never understand your true motives from their own perspective. I worry for the state of the world in which so much can happen that is happening now. But one thing has grown within me over this period, that is strengthening my connection to my soul and spiritual source. I see what leads to emptiness now, and that involves me in looking outside of myself to be filled up by that which is only empty or of delusion. Breaking through delusions and illusions is painful but in the end we must face the darker encounters in order to evolve in spiritual maturity. That’s just the take on it I find is emerging in me now.
Emerging From The Dark Night 