Shattered

I am pretty much shattered to pieces right now. Who could know that getting involved with someone online who lied and played with your emotions totally could end in such a painful place where a family member now wants nothing at all to do with you. That said I respect the boundary, the message basically said nothing at all that is positive is happening in my life and that really cuts me to shreds as only I know HOW FUCKING HARD I WORK EACH AND EVERY DAY TO BE POSITIVE AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

I need to be writing right now because if I sit still all the nasty judgemental things my oldest nephew has said in three messages play over and over in my head on repeat and they make me feel like an ultimate failure and not only that he is saying things that are not true. The money I sent to the scammer was not the inheritance money, it was money I had of my own prior to before my mother died. I did ask for some money earlier in the year but none of that was sent to the person and I made a terrible mistake, I was naïve and gullible and I fell for the hook which as I look back is very very painful to see, just how open I was with him and how I did over ride my own intuitive signals.

He also basically said if he has anything at all to do with me it will mess up his mental health because I live inside a vortex. I am the first to admit to my enmeshment with others who I try to help, especially in family but he is basically slamming me for squandering money he says was meant for his brothers and Mum never said to help them only if I felt like it when I made my will to pass some of the money on so I do not know where he gets his information and the sad things is I WANTED TO HELP AND FELT SO GUILTY WHEN IT WAS REVEALED THIS IS WAS A SCAM.

The last thing I am seeking is absolution here. I have been crying so much and have had intense stomach pain since his message popped up on my phone earlier. I didn’t open it for a long time and when I did it was an avalanche of grief and shame and pain I felt cascading through me. He said to not message him again so that is the end of our relationship all from one decision to swipe on a profile and trust a stranger I had never met.

On a positive note, I went to the volunteering expo on Saturday and got several good leads for things to get involved in. Mental health advocacy was one that appealed, another was taking out an elderly person in the community who was isolated and the other was setting up for children’s play groups so I will follow those up this week.

I am also having to look at this deep wound I carry that is now even deeper from the broken bond. I just don’t want to have to dwell in it for two long. He has also dumped such guilt into me. On the way home from therapy a bought two summer skirts because lately all I wear is jeans and its getting warmer here and after I bought them I just heard his words going over and over in my head saying that I am vain and selfish. I was reading in a book on letting go yesterday that guilt is one of the most toxic of emotions, especially when its beaten up by social mores or opinions that just thrive on making us feel bad and like we should not be fully living. As a recovering Catholic and with Jewish heritage I struggle with guilt and feelings of low self esteem a lot. The words he has said have caused me great pain, as they were designed to do. He has implied that I am a lower life form basically, the name that my therapist Kat and I give to this is ‘pond scum’, but as Kat reminded me today pond scum is actually teeming with life. Its sad for him to be only focusing on the negative, there is still money there that will come to me to help others at some point, I had every intention of helping and I have helped one of my nephews as much as I could at certain times. He is trying to make me feel bad for spending it on a ‘stranger’ and I understand his point, but to me at one point Scott was real and I had a right to reach for something outside of the pain of my toxic trauma laden family. Sadly I reached in the wrong direction and now I need to make a change. I don’t see how judging me and cutting me off helps, that said its fair enough. It hurts very very deeply now, but I am sure in time the pain will pass, though the hurt and wound will always be there.