In my darkest moments I feel I will never fully rise out of the family curse or throw off the full weight of what I have born as the youngest child in a family littered with multi-generational trauma. I carry that burden and have been shamed for it so often, I am used to it by now. I got sober just under 26 years ago but I could not break away from my family. I needed financial help at times and now do my family obviously but I never set up this dynamic.
I personally hate greed and I help where I can, its part of the reason I am in the ‘mess’ I now am. I care and want to help which is why latest judgements of me seem SO FUCKING UNFAIR. But I lack the necessary positive ego strength to throw them off at times. In therapy today after sharing all the painful messages with Kat she asked me how I thought I could hold onto a sense of my own goodness when the truth was my nephew totally obliterated it this morning with his messages.
My sense of my goodness and power comes and goes. In fact when I read over an old blog with Kat today and came to read the word ‘power’ I realised how my relationship with a positive sense of balanced healthy personal power comes and goes. I am very subject to the judgements of others and fuse with others so often which is why it helped today to read portion of psychotherapist and astrologers Liz Greene’s book on Neptune this morning.
Liz was saying that those of us with a strong Neptunian ‘signature’ around personal planets often feel like we will die when we have to be separate or when we face issues of conflict or difference. Often as a default we will collapse ourselves in order to merge and then we can be subject to manipulation or become manipulative ourselves. For me trying to hold onto someone’s good judgement when its obvious they want to see me as bad is not healthy at all, it only ends up with me abandoning my true self in the long run. And because my positive ego strength is often not present due to emotional neglect and low self esteem I often give myself over or under value myself. I noticed this lately in some interactions with others and I fear and project abandonment to the point it often ends up happening anyway.
Being able to write about these issues and reason them out inside my own helps me a lot. I get clarity then, otherwise alone in my own head with it all going round at times I feel like I am going to explode or am in some kind of vice. I need to keep active and in my body every day now. I need to let go of past pain and hurtful things said. I need to pray to God and family for help and who knows if spirits are not close by because as I left my therapy appointment today at 12 pm I looked down to see a tiny white feather had somehow attached itself to my left hand sleeve. Spirits often signal their presence close to us via the appearance of feathers, birds or butterflies something several friends of mine and I were sharing about at the reunion get together on Saturday night. I have been praying hard to Mum and Dad and my sister Jude today. I hope somehow they heard my prayers, because right now I need their understanding and comfort as I face the latest set of challenges on my recovery journey.
Emerging From The Dark Night 