It was hard to get out to walk with Jasper this afternoon but I managed it. The pain in my heart and body was so strong I had to bend down on the oval with my head on the grass while I cried, it felt like something was being torn out of my body. I know getting physically active allows things to move through me but I didn’t really know how I was going to get back to the car. Anyway the pain has passed now for a while. Being told I am a vortex that someone needs to steer clear of is pretty hard but then I have been through lots of intense confusing stuff so they have the right to their reality. I guess those who want you in their lives want you, the ones who don’t you have to let go with good grace and we probably aren’t meant to stay permanently wedded to family members that said a lot of this is rational thinking after all the deep emotional stuff has gone down. To be shamed and blamed hurts it really does but it comes out of that person’s perception and they don’t want to be around me so acceptance is the answer. There is a shit load in life that happens that hurts to accept but if I fight reality I will end up in problems. Maybe the life force wants me to go in a different direction now.
Another email came from Scott, begging and pleading. I just told him when he sends my money back I will talk to him, before that I wont engage ever again. I am done with it. I have no illusion this is real although that is the way he is trying to paint it. I don’t need this confusion and I should have said no to it from the start that said should isn’t an effective word, at the time I reacted from the space I was in.
I need to keep the focus firmly and squarely on my own life at present. My sister has been pretty supportive through all of this. We had a long talk yesterday and she told me to take care of myself, she said that I try to take on too much of other people’s problems and she is right. I have really learned my lesson from what has gone down over the last year or so. My nephew laid the heaviest guilt trip on me today, I really took it on board. I have done nothing but think of how to help them eventually. He totally misread me that much is clear to me now I am in a better calmer more rational state of mind. Who knows if this all wasn’t meant to go down so I could cut away to something far better for me? That would tally with the fact Mars is approaching the tight waning square to transiting Pluto in the sign of relationships, Libra. Mars Pluto turns out notoriously toxic and bad when we fight the will of a higher power that may dredge up some deep shit during this kind of transit and be asking for a needed letting go that hurts. I have been praying to come into alignment with what is best for all concerned. Right now I need to be around people who get me and don’t misjudge me or second guess my motives. I don’t need their bullshit dumped on me. I have been through far too much to be taken down by an active heavy drinker at this stage in my sobriety.
Emerging From The Dark Night 