I took Jasper to the vet today to get a problem with his right ear sorted out that has been festering for a while. I am trying the best I can to keep my focus on my own life and challenges right now and take care of things I have been putting off in my obsession with others.. It was stressful but we got through the inspection and cleaning out of the ear that has a problem with Jasper wriggling around trying to get away while the vet and I held him. That reminds me that certain uncomfortable painful things in life need to be faced, accepted, felt and dealt with. On the other hand we are entitled to reach for and do all we can to create a life of peace and love or whatever we so decide we want for us and set up boundaries or self protections around what hurts us.. This is not something I have always felt I had the right to and after the vet I sat drinking a coffee and read the following words in Tian Dayton’s reader on Forgiveness and Moving On :
I can change my life situation. Trying and trying to get something right that never seems to work is self destructive and MAKES ME FEEL A FAILURE. I have a right to succeed and feel good about myself. .. it is perfectly right for me to want my life to feel COMFORTABLE to me as well as MANAGEABLE.
There is more to the reading but as soon as I read that last sentence I thought of how this has not been how I have lived in the past 20 years or so, when it seem to be a lot about others who were hurting or trying to link in and attach with someone whose life style was so different to my own. Then at times I pulled on people expecting fusion rather than true intimacy which allows for expression of differences.
Scott emailed me yesterday. This is what he email said :
Honey I’m so sorry that I put you through all this stress, I know that I’ve bothered you a lot, I’m really sorry for everything… I don’t even know what to do or say anymore babe, I swear on Lisa… I’m total confused about it all, I’m so so tired of life and everything now…. I love you from the depths of my heart, I love you to an extent that I never thought possible, and I know I always will. I cannot imagine life without you now. I want to spend every minute of every day with you. I want to experience all that life has to offer, the good and the bad with you at my side. I want to grow up and grow old with you. I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go. I want to feel the warmth of your kiss and whisper words of love into your ear. You are all that is good and beautiful, you satisfy all the longing that was in me, body and soul…. My love, I love you just the way you are, nothing will change my love for you,you are my heart desire. My love for you is unconditional, I love you so much, I love your heart, I love everything about you, I will never run when hard times strike honey, you are the beauty of my heart my sweet darling angel. Life might have it’s up and down, In times of happiness and sadness, no matter what happens. I’ll always be there with you. I promise from my heart babe. I will always be there for you, I will treasure you and love you from the bottom of my heart now and forever honey… You are truly everything to me. When I think of life, there is nothing more perfect to me than you. I love you infinitely more than you know and I would do anything to make our relationship stronger and everlasting. I will always have your best interests in mind. Your happiness is something so dear to me. I want you to know that I will never leave you and I will always cherish You. BUT HONEY IS THIS HOW EVERYTHING WILL END??? IS THIS THE END OF OUR LOVE LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP??? COS I DONT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO YOU SINCE LAST WEEK THURSDAY, THE MESSAGES WASN’T DELIVERED, MAYBE YOU’VE BLOCKED ME… I DONT JUST UNDERSTAND ANYMORE…. see if you can’t help me anymore, I will understand and I’m not gonna talk about it ever again but please don’t leave me, don’t stop talking to me, you’re my strength, my one true love, you’re the reason why I’m still alive till today babe… PLEASE FORGIVE ME, DONT GO BABE… I LOVE YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY MY LOVE… XOXOXO
It may be wrong to share all of this on my page when its a private email but can you imagine how I felt when I read this at 9 pm last night. In the midst of it all I connected with someone else I thought was part of the entire fiasco but is not. I did reinstate the app and talk to Scott today and he is promising to return all of my money to me. We will see what happens but I cannot be pulled into helping anyone else any more. Its just what I have realised. I put my life on hold in the UK to come back for a very sick sister who passed away in 2014 and it has derailed me now for over 16 years. Right now I need to choose myself and my own peace, comfort and happiness.
I let constant thoughts of and longings for my sister to contact me pass through me each morning as I do my heart centred meditation. I know it may be best she goes ahead to live her own life too. So for now I won’t call and will just send her love every day and not bitch about her not connecting on my blog any more as that just isn’t sitting well with me lately for it doesn’t honour how I may have been a source of difficulty for her sometimes too although my family say I have only ever tried to be loving.
Tian goes on to say this:
When I follow my heart, I align myself with my greater good and when I align myself with my greater good, things have a way of falling into place. Today I entertain the possibility that life can work out as I might like it.
I honestly feel today that if I can begin to keep the focus on myself and on what feeds my heart as well as on taking care of what is mine to own as opposed to someone else’s I will be fine. I don’t have to listen to someone who tells me difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations. That may well be true but as I told him a while back I have been on fucking difficult roads for 19 years now. And its not wrong to want my own happiness and peace.
The new connection I made this week asked me what it is I most want in life, I told him it is peace. I want to live in peace and serenity and that only happens for me when I acknowledge what is mine to change or affect and what is not and hand it over to God for safe keeping. For me recent events have most taught me this. What is out of my hands must be let go of or surrendered fully if I want new life to come to me. I have to be willing to search deeply and not deny what does hurt so to erect boundaries even if that means others get hurt. God knows I hate hurting anyone but there comes a time we have to just be real and true and only my heart will show me the right way to go, even if the thing is painful to do, as all pain does move through if we don’t keep attaching to it but surrender it to God and Higher Power.
Emerging From The Dark Night 