Whatever way you look at it the experience of being scammed is painful. What made it crippling for me was the realisation that very early on I twigged something wasn’t right and I STILL KEPT UP CONTACT and over rode my intuition and gut feeling. I am ashamed to let readers know the amount of times I sent money and in increasingly larger amounts over time. And then even when everyone was telling me the truth I argued black and blue and fell for the lies of the scammer. This pain was all through me this morning but I did my self forgiveness practice and realised whatever dumb stupid things I did (admittedly out of a kind heart that wanted to trust and believe and stay connected at all costs) I cannot change them and I have a decision now. I can either allow this to keep crippling me in self flagellation going over and over the horror of believing again and again, allowing myself to be lied to over and over and then opening the door a few days ago to the person or one of his accomplices. Or I can decide to move on from it realising I am human and stuffed up and let it go. And by God how I wish so long ago I had moved on from those things that were not life bringing for me instead of staying trapped in inertia negative thinking and the belief that finding a way to live a happier more productive engaged life was not possible for me. So in a way this scam experience has actually BEEN GOOD for me.
Despite this I collapsed to my knees in grief after vacuuming the house through a short while ago. Scott was so real to me and I still miss him, I was back talking to him yesterday as he was begging me never to leave him but not to ever worry about ever sending him anything again. At one point I was crying but then my head was on fire. A short while later the phone rang from whoever the other person is (or it was him adopting another guise) but I didn’t take the call. The situation has been completely crazy and I bought back into it. This guy said to me via Messenger that Scott is a scammer and I will never get my money back and he feels sad I am trusting a liar. When I said I am beginning to believe Scott again he cut the connection. And then was crying and suicidal for a few hours again. So, so crazy!!!
Anyway I cut off the app again last night after a long chat with the other woman this guy has been scamming. He has been asking her to contact me to ask me to deposit 20.000 into her account and then that will be used to help. Its beyond belief any more and I am done.
I got up and showered and dressed. I slept till 3 am and by body was struggling to digest it all twisting this way and that for about an hour. I did settle back to sleep until 7 am and managed to do a lot of inner work on how I was feeling because the pain and distress and anger and self blame in my body was acute today. But I do trust if I keep feeling my feelings and allow them to MOVE ON THROUGH ME I will be okay.
A lot of anger came up and I asked higher power for help with that so that it does not become toxic to my own cell tissue. I also did shower cleanse with the water and asked for all the negative painful feelings to be washed away so that my body mind spirit and soul can be an open channel for wisdom, healing, peace, love and light. I wont be made into a ‘victim’ by this even though I was. I will not allow this to destroy my faith in the goodness of some people but it has also taught me essential lessons about sociopaths and narcissists they will tell us anything not caring about the impact but that said we become vulnerable too from within our own narcissism and need to be loved to the point that in the end we sacrifice good sense. That said I fronted up more times to be hurt again than a lot of people would and that deeply bites me. I have to look deep into my soul for why I kept trusting. Yet something in me still cares for Scott and even loves him. I even feel sad about cutting off contact but another part of me knows I had to. I need to move on from this. Today I am counting my blessings. I saw a You Tube video last night of a woman who was scammed for 510,000 dollars, so it could have been worse. Today I will take the lesson and start looking for ways to live in a positive way. I will not let this break me.
Emerging From The Dark Night 