What helps me : expression.

When we express something we push the juice out of us and then there is a way to work through things that are troubling or bugging us, at least as far as I see it. Then comes the acceptance of what we did even if it had negative consequences.

I just got myself off to an AA meeting where I shared honestly about what has been going on. There were no tissues in the room and one of the big burly guys went out of the room to bring a box in while I was mid share as I was crying so hard. I was glad they just let me get it all off of my chest. I feel like in some way I did something wrong sending money, even if it did come out of the kindness of my heart and question if that came out of narcissism or just the desire to connect and share my life with someone and be less alone? I am asking myself lots of questions right now but one thing can’t be argued with. This happened and I need to move on taking all the lessons learned.

There was lots of great sharing in the meeting today and someone shared how they felt their low self esteem lay at the heart of their difficulties of trying to please others, they shared also that they were remorselessly judged by an ongoing inner critic monologue for most of the day if they could not get out of their own heads. I related to this. Listening to the inner critic isn’t going to help after a certain point. We are all human and we make mistakes, we have blind spots. Many of us don’t intentionally set out to harm others but sometimes when we help we do more harm than good and then sometimes people really need help. In the end we just have to act and cop the consequences.

I noticed how after the meeting I was hoping someone would connect with me but they all went about tidying up as they do after AA meetings. No one offers advice which is great and they leave you alone to get on with it. On the drive home I thought of how often I over involve myself in the lives of others and when I do this I put my own life on hold. Waking up from this last debacle I have realised how much I have surrendered my power and its something the scammers unwilling ‘accomplice’ said to me last night. “When are you going to cut this guy and take control of your own destiny?” The truth is that I had decided to delete the app when she contacted me again and his lies proved to be lies. But it did take courage and the aftermath was painful. But you know what? Today I realised sometimes we have to take painful action. Sometimes staying connected in compassion does us no favours at all. Sometimes we have to take out the knife. I look back now to abusive situations I stayed in while my whole body screamed it was wrong and I stayed always making excuses because it felt too painful to rely on myself and my higher power. That said I did it this time and today has been an okay day. I haven’t walked Jasper yet and the house is a bit off a mess but I honestly shared and got it out of my system. The alternative, denial, repression and self medication are not pathways to help myself only expression does. For what is de pressed stayed repressed and in the end only brings us illness or pain.

Today when something upsets me, I allow myself to have my feelings about it. I can handle what life brings to me if I am able to know what I feel because this is how I learn what I do and do not like. My feelings help me know who I am. I get over painful situations infinitely more quickly when I allow myself to have my feelings that are mobilised around them. As I do this the questions are answered and the mystery clears up. Feeling my feelings is a process. It takes hours sometimes. It can be tiring but it is ultimately the shortest way out of a painful place.

Tian Dayton