How to handle my anger?

This is not something I have managed well. And I have explored why in numerous other posts over the past 5 years of blogging. I know anger was not handled well in our family and it was mixed up with other emotions too. Lately I am feeling not just anger but real rage on the back of all this confusion of the situation I was pulled into 18 months ago of having to pay for love. Yes, someone claims to love me and wants to be with me but I am the one who has to orchestrate it due to their account being frozen. It was never clear if it was or was not a scam. My feeling is lately that it isn’t and I am not asking for any opinions or comments as this is something I have to figure out for myself but the truth is that DEEP DOWN I AM SO ANGRY THAT DUE TO EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY OF MUCH OF MY FAMILY I GOT MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION.

That said I need to be an adult at this time and not ‘blame’ them. There was a void there and looked for someone to fill it, this person seems to offer what I need but I am going through so many blocks in meeting and today I got triggered when he told me to “Calm down.” I wanted to lash out with my tongue like I normally do but instead I shut off the phone and went for a run. Yes My body was so full of STRESS HORMONES I KNEW I HAD TO MOVE IT and I was feeling so angry and invalidated …..this why I haven’t handled anger before because when I feel it I FREEZE OR COLLAPSE OR FAWN OR LASH OUT especially when my abandonment feelings are triggered at the same time. Yes I really struggle to have my feelings in relationship.

I am writing about it this afternoon just to externalise it and call for feedback on how others manage with their anger. I know for me it is a sign that something has hurt me and I need to set a boundary. In my family I never saw anger or conflict handled cleanly, powerfully and assertively. I saw passive aggression and aggression used and then got in trouble for trying to protest. It is an issue I need to start to address in a healthier way because I notice I am using food and sugar too to stuff painful feelings lately. I know its a huge issue that people in sobriety deal with so I probably need to get back to some 12 step meetings too. I think my fearful ego has kept me away from these for a while. But my body is so sore today (and I’ve been awake since 4.30 am) and drinking an extra cup of coffee today that I did not need was not doing myself any favours. I need to find much healthier ways to deal with anger and fears of abandonment.