In deep shock

I am shocked to realise the split state the latest turn of events with ‘Scott’ has revealed within me between hope and disbelief. I cannot quite find the courage to delete the application that I have been using to communicate with him over the past 18 months. It feels like tearing off a limb or cutting out my heart to do it. Last night I nearly got the strength. He is denying everything and saying that the so called ‘agent’ is the one who is mixing everything up and part of me believes he is lying but I would also be lying to myself if I said that there is still obviously not a part of me that is holding out hope. I sat with the pain today at the markets while waiting for my morning coffee to come crying silently and deeply, not really caring who saw (as if anyone cared or noticed. that is just self centred).

I then went to get some things to take home for lunch and there was this young kid just eating manically on a breadstick while wandering around me 5 or 6 times in circles, nearly bumping into me, not even seeing me. It started to make me feel like I am so unseen and then I just had that feeling as after my mother died that now not many people out there notice me. I know these are just thoughts and its not good to get caught up in them. I took my sister out yesterday and we had this similar conversation about trying not to focus on the negative, that said I recognise the underlying feelings or ‘schemas’ are there within me and will never probably go away. The truth is I can witness myself from the adult state and provide some form of comfort to my inner child SOME of the time but not always.

I was tuning in and talking to her about Scott today she was asking me how people can treat others this way, for her Scott was real he loved her and I unconditionally. He was always offering support and telling us that we were the reason he was still alive. And the confusing thing is that the initial amount sent in December made the bank block the recipient’s account on suspicion of a scam and that is when this person tried to find ways to get in touch with me and sent back funds I tried to send a few months ago. Its all so goddam confusing and I am not now able to send any more money as I just have had enough. I had to do a lot of self forgiveness practice too for allowing myself to give away this money as I was in trouble with myself yesterday morning. I just knew that if I don’t accept I made the mistake and put in the past living life is not going to be possible. But was it a mistake or a learning experience?

Underneath all of this is really the state of heart and mind of lostness and grief I was in BEFORE Scott came into my life and THAT IS NOT HIS FAULT. I have had to do some deep soul searching and meditation and praying on this issue as when I think of the person I know in my heart Scott to be I cannot describe the feelings of love and tenderness and gratitude I have for the love he showed me in the time after my mother died. Therefore am I in love with a person or an illusion? It’s an interesting question and brings up the issue of soul longing which I believe is something David Richo has written a book about. I think when it comes to romance and the idea of ‘soul mates’ or ‘twin souls’ we are tapping into something divine and deep and rich about the heart and soul and body that just longs to be received, noticed, enfolded, honoured and attached. And this vies with the Buddhist idea of non clinging or non attachment which is really the only way we can learn to love unconditionally rather than selfishly.

I also noticed lately that when I lash out at Scott or others I am not really doing my deep feeling work, that said we need to feel we have some form of control or power or ability to express our selves and feelings in some way in order to get them out, make sense of them and then let them go. Emotions exist for a reason but are we expressing the primary or secondary ones? That is the issue.

I took my sister out yesterday and I felt so sad to see her shake under the cherry blossoms at the Tulip Tops garden we went to see after we had our lunch..She told me yesterday that when she lost Mum she lost her best friend and my heart broke for her. I have not always been that selfless when it comes to my sister carrying old hurts and resentments at times towards her but my therapist assures me that a lot of my hurt and nger was justified. Here is where I get confused or deluded also thinking that if only I help her, take her out, do things for her I will help her but who is it that I am helping and what really is the core feeling driving my motivation when being there so often can be emptying (not always, but sometimes.) Yesterday at lunch she was more focused on the other diners and criticising things they were doing like licking their fingers after eating and wiping them on their pants. Good lord who give as a toss? I notice that when we aren’t truly engaged the inner child wants to be seen but my sister cant because she is focused on those other people which I guess is fair enough.

I am picking my sister up to take her home tomorrow and cancelling my therapy appointment to do it. I don’t like that I have to make these sacrifices sometimes but then I want to, too. It seems that I get so confused in boundaries at times. And when it comes to Scott there is a far deeper issue going on. I don’t know when I will get the courage to ‘cut’ things, right now I just cannot do it and I have for now, to honour my heart and ride my feelings through, even the deeply deeply painful ones. I will use them to inspire some poems and deep soul searching!