Raw

I was raw again today but I realised my feelings become so overwhelming at times I get immediately flooded and I am not then on any kind of solid ground, everything just seems thunderstruck and my body is a collection of cells swirling I no longer have discrete body parts that function together, my gut is in my brain and my brain in my gut and I am just a baby crying and I have got lost. Its hard to explain and then my body is snapping and releasing inside. I must have only managed two lots of sleep, two hours then two and a half hours. I woke telling myself I am viewing everything from too intense an emotional level and from this place I am not able to make rational adult choices. Maybe it is true, I am too emotional at times. Maybe I am often just responding out of intense abandonment trauma that does not speak to the reality of things. That I can survive alone and stand alone if necessary.

That said, its hard to explain the dark suicidal place I then go to. I just want the pain to end because it is so intense. I somehow managed to get out of bed and eat breakfast only to have an hour long panic attack before getting out in the car. Poor Jasper just had to take himself off around the neighbourhood for a walk. I am probably not even making any sense in my blog and today the critic told me to stop writing it as no one in their right mind who is healthy would want to read it. Its important I write down what certain ‘parts’ of me are saying. The truth is at the moment I am struggling to hold onto solid ground and when planets go into Scorpio this what happens and Mars is in Libra where its in ‘detriment’ because its hard to fight for what you want when relationships make certain demands or your desire to be related or connected stops you from acknowledging your own needs.

I am grateful I have therapy soon but I am pretty goddam exhausted right now. I am reading a memoir of a woman who survived a plane crash and she lost both her legs while watching her companions on the flight die. She speaks of how her body trauma took her to the loneliest place because of the so called ‘phantom’ pains shooting like wildfire through her. Luckily she met a doctor who validated what she was suffering, calling it ‘lancinating’ pain. She writes of how she sat all alone in the dark in the early hours just besieged by this pain and that is something I too have experienced, for some reason PTSD trauma is more intense at night. In the book ‘A Certain Light’, she shares how she still struggles with guilt thinking she may have caused the crash and the book she is writing then goes on to explore the trauma of her grandparents both of whom survived the holocaust. I can imagine her own trauma made her especially sensitive to the trauma of her relatives and after her Nonna dies she finds book of letters and other memorabilia which helps her to unpack their pasts, because I imagine it was hard for them both to speak of it.

Part of me thinks its not good to read all of this ‘dark’ stuff while another part of me know I live in the dark a lot of the time and to pretend otherwise is not to be real and it comes out of a fear of others sidelining or rejecting me for my own trauma reactions as happened in the past. I was overcome with flashbacks last night of the head injury trauma and the painful aftermath in Glastonbury. I keep reminding myself 2019 is not 2005 or even 1979 or 1985 when my father died but the imprints are there. I just need to witness and try not to get too caught up in their gravitational force field. I know what I have endured is too much and it is no wonder I struggle as I do. I just want to try to figure out the healthy things to do and try my best to manage this latest lot of triggered symptoms. And figure out too, how to best support myself an others, but the truth is I probably have less to give at this point especially at a time of year which is loaded with my own anniversaries including diagnosis of Dad’s cancer and my marriage to Jonathan in 1993 which occurred 6 weeks before I got sober in December only to end so painfully in 2004.

Last night after making the decision not to help Scott I got flooded with trauma memories of other relationships prior to sobriety in which I was abandoned emotionally speaking, as was my childhood experience. I was crying so so deeply and the grief was so huge I did not think my body could contain it all. I know that memories live in cells which is something those who are ‘rational’ and don’t understand the vibrational imprint level of trauma will NEVER understand in a million years. I am not ‘bad’ for suffering trauma, or struggling to trust in relationships now.