I took the risk

I took the risk to call my sister’s son today as she wasnt in a good place when I called this morning and it started taking me down again into so much helplessness and grief. I wish I wasnt so enmeshed that I didn’t respond this way to her struggling..it has been such a long deep dark journey seeing her undergo all the hospitalizations, including shock treatment. I had to go back to Step One of Al Anon today ..admitting powerlessness over others.

It took a while for her son to call me back and he was his usual matter of a fact self and I foundered into tears. He said the doctor said we are to support her to do things with her which get her active and I said im trying this…but she said today she felt she doesn’t have a purpose and I struggle with this too. I also know ‘it has to begin with me’ in this life. I have to get into the drivers seat of my life while recognising too that I am not always in control. But don’t we sometimes need those who read our hearts too and affirm how hard it can feel at times as you age and things go wrong while others fall away? Being met where we are helps but does it sometimes keep us stuck? I know life demands we process, let go and move on through but when the void opens we must also meet our deep soul there and undergo the transformation.

I meet spirit sources and dead relatives in that space sometimes..they shower me with love : the kind of love remaining family members cannot seem to express. They give me advice but then my rational self disses on this and tells me its me making it all up in my head. Yeah thanks fucking inner critic if it helps me..why not draw on that source which is probably deeply tied up with my Higher Self or Higher Power?. Here is where prayer and meditation or inward tuning and turning helps me.

When I forget that source is available things get emptier. Like before I sat down to write this I was disconnected and anxious and in full on inner critic mode.

Anyway I took the risk and was emotional with my nephew. He was pretty silent then told me it affects everyone in different ways.. “yes,” I said, “we are all wired differently” not everyone takes it on board. Some detatch more easily. There is a saying in Al Anon that we can detatch in love…that is what I most need to do now because when other’s pain becomes mine my life gets frozen and I’m almost paralysed. Not a good or spiritually healthy place for me to be.