The last thing I want

The last thing I want in my life is to live as a permanent ‘victim’ of anyone or of the past. I seek all the time to find my freedom by feeling it all through to make sense of it. Some may accuse me of going ‘over and over it’ but there was shit load to make sense of in my family and of the way I ended up lost. That said I never got tools to stand in my personal power either. And when I got into AA and was made to feel it was a lot of my fault I didn’t fully understand that. I just felt powerless over so much. That said the serenity prayer talks of “courage to change the things I can” and the wisdom to know what to let go of that I cannot change, such as other people and past events as well as the deep trauma I witnessed in my family and then tried to compensate for as the youngest witness to events and then the first to find sobriety and research the family history. That made me see that in many ways I was powerless over certain effects and led me to the belief that just possibly it was given to me to make sense of it all. I also feel deep in my body at times I carry all the ancestral inprints.

Yesterday in therapy when I was in the midst of the emotional storm I had to move my body and what i felt was the aching of several generations of ancestors for this ‘lost child’ that I felt in my body. It was such a bizzare thing and then this morning when it all started up I started to ‘dance’ the energy of my ancestors migrational movements and losses of children and other trauma. I called to mind too the last night before my Mum died when she was struggling to stand up and saying with great desperation in her voice and agitation “I’ve got to get moving”. Today I felt the urge to run really fast and then felt my heart beating out of my chest as so often happens when I feel stress at meal times which was when I tried to gravitate around Mum to help and be a part of her energy field . (She worked all day and only came home at 6 pm every night)

I have been reading of how in narcissistic or emotionally absent families often we have to follow rules, revolve around others and become caretakers in order to get connection. Such a strong Neptune (victim sacrificial) pattern for me. And then we can start to feel like powerless victims not in touch at all with what our own heart and soul so desperately wants or needs.

Today I found myself in the car crying again with feeling all I have been or felt like is a ‘victim’ at times. It came up again yesterday when the neighbours told me that in a month or so they are tearing down the old house that stand on their block while they move out. Noise of that kind is such a trigger for me as I was trapped in a car and cut out with machines for an hour or more and as an empath I hate mechanical things that ‘mash ‘ up the peaceful quiet of nature. I was in such a state by the time I got to therapy yestrday and Kat understood completely how it was such a huge trigger for me of my past. I can move out I guess while it goes on, or else I just have to live with it. This is where I am never sure because what others do has an effect on me and they just don’t know what that is . The neighbour had a huge smile on her face as she was telling me all of this.

Lack of movement or being pinned or trapped somewhere has been an ongoing theme. My older sister was struck down with the aneurysm for a long time. She eventually got to walk again but into another abusive relationship with an alcoholic Vietnam vet who must have had a lot of trauma too, that relationship took her down and she ended up in a home andd finally bed ridden from all the meds,unable to stand and wearing nappies which I always saw as about the inner chid of the ancestral past having to push and grow up so fast with no support at all. Visions of those last hours with her in hospital holding her hand in the final hours before we had to decide to take her off life support were cascading through my body yesterday.

None of this was my trauma that is what hurts most. I have just been the witness and some kind of container for it but I am bursting out now with the desire TO BE FREE OF IT ALL AND LIVE MY OWN LIFE. SURELY I DESERVE THAT NOW THOMAS I DONT HAVE TO CARRY THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE DO I?????

MAYBE THIS IS THE FULL ONSLAUGHT OF URANUS NOW MOVING BACKWARDS OVER MY MOON (FAMILY MATERNAL INHERITANCE). everything is Interconnected even me trying to save a soldier trapped overseas. And soon Pluto will square the Sun in transit, after Mercury and Venus have moved past the square. Which represents it all coming to a head to be released.

Anyway one thing is good. I can write about it here. I can externalise it. I can make sense of it and maybe that is the way forward for emotional freedom for me after so so many long years of feeling so bound, trapped and stuck, but I am not stuck I am not a victim of this past totally, still it has left my inner child with great scars, fears and wounds. And it the end it really is me me who must save me.