I think to be sensitive is a gift, but it is unfortunately not one of those gifts that our society appreciates. The ability to tap into and feel deep emotions as well as the capacity to be sensitive to the needs and feelings of others is related to empathy, that said it is also important to know that as sensitive as we may be we do not live inside the skin of another human being so we cannot always know what they are going through or feeling. And the truth is that not everyone is in touch with their emotions in a culture that so often sees emotions or sensitivity as a liability rather than as forces or qualities to be cherished which connect us to our deep soul and interior life.
As I look back I see I have struggled with sensitivity for most of my life. I have been shamed at times for being sensitive and feeling or expressing certain emotions, often made to feel that it was a difficult thing to be someone who saw deeply into the heart of things or felt or thought as I did. I am a little more aware now of this and of how dismissive certain sectors of my family are. To be made to feel that there is something wrong with you for being who you are or that it would be appreciated if you were not ‘so’ or ‘too’ much of something does problematic things to us. It leaves us with self doubt and relentless second guessing that goes on with in. And to be told that we did not see what we saw or know what we know or sense what we sense also damages us deeply, Something that Virginia Satir tried to bring our attention to back in the 1980s.
I was lucky this morning to share with my cousin’s son who walks Jasper about this. I know he is a very sensitive boy and he was lucky enough to have a Mum who got him some counselling work when he was struggling at school as a sensitive person a few years back. My cousin and I were meeting up a lot then and she was sharing with me how she could not fully relate to where her son was or the path he was taking or not choosing to take. I would sit and listen to my cousin’s anxieties for a long time but I had faith that in time Simon would find his own way and he is, he is studying now.
I really enjoy our chats and its a bonus of not having therapy on Monday that we have been able connect over the past few weeks and share on things we are both interested in. I love these oases of connection imbedded within vast times of solitude. One of the things we were discussing was the role of feelings and how anger seems to be one of the most problematic of emotions in our society. I wanted to address here was the expression of emotions because of grief or trauma because anger can be a huge part of trauma and grief, just as sadness is a huge part of grief.
I got a wonderful little book on Coping With Grief a while back and this is what the authors have to say about helping those who are grieving :
One of the greatest needs of all bereaved people is to have access to someone who will take a risk and be involved – someone who is not afraid of intense feelings, but who will encourage their expression., confident that it is part of the ‘healing’ process. We use the word healing not to imply that grief is an illness that can be cured, but in acknowledgement that in the early weeks, months, years, every part of one’s being can feel raw, inflamed and vulnerable.
The authors highlight in this chapter the intense vulnerability of the grieving person to criticism and judgements of others. And the tendency of those who don’t understand the complexity of the grief process to give advice which apart from not being at all helpful, is in fact harmful to the grieving person.
Grief is dynamic and ever changing – in shape and intensity – determined by everything the bereaved was before the event, the nature of their relationship with the deceased, their physical and emotional health, age and the environment in which they live.
The authors point out how the individual process of a person enduring grief needs to be honoured and the person needs to feel free to express what they need to, including anger and tears.
There still appears to be a pervasive myth in our society that crying is bad and must be stopped or prevented. On the contrary, if we are the kind of people who cry readily, it is in our interests to be allowed or encouraged to cry when grief needs expression in this way.
The ‘permission’ to feel and grieve authentically also involves the freedom to talk about the person who has passed and this may be something the grieving person needs to tell family and friends, since so often in the face of grief others do not really know what to do or say and may feel reticent to mention the person who has died.
They also point out the grieving people are often seen as ‘not coping well’ if they are crying a lot or in a lot of distress and nothing could be further from the truth. Alternatively if people are not usually expressive and are not expressing due to that emotional style it may also be wrong to judge them as ‘not coping’.
Grief and the feelings associated with it may be one of the most important issues when it comes to sensitivity issues in our society. If we feel the suffering of others it may be that we have had a lot of suffering ourselves, if we are shut down to our feelings that may be our emotional style too. Its is probably equally unfair for a sensitive person to judge someone who is not always showing a lot of feelings, vulnerability or sensitivity as being wrong when that is their style of coping. What becomes problematic is when we cannot reach beyond our own way of being to accept and appreciate others can feel differently to us and that they have the right to feel and cope in the way they do accordin gto their individual temperamant.
Emerging From The Dark Night 