My therapist said the way I reacted to this weeks disappointment about Scott and I not being able to meet was perfectly understandable with my history, but I do not think I was warranted in lashing out with some of the things I said. That said, I am only human and I need to get a better handle on when I ‘act out’ in fear. And I am calling to mind while writing this something Marianne Williamson writes about our close ”love’ relationships being the place our deepest wounds are revealed in order to be brought into the light for healing.
I know I do this (react/lash out) when my core being alone/abandonment wound gets triggered, I start too to mistrust and then everything turns to dust. I find it hard to stay soft and I am probably only human in this but never the less I do believe the wounded hurt part of us is not really able to give love because all it cares about is the love that seems to be lacking or absent which may trigger a deep unhealed place of wounding we carried multi-generationally or personally.
Just possibly so many of us carry this wound. Maybe so many of us also suffer with not feeling whole, or good or complete enough inside which is why we run around a lot like headless chickens pursuing feel goods or fix ups or try to change our appearance. I read something about a teenage singing idol the other day who said he loves himself and that is why he decides to have filler injections in his lips to make them look larger. I think he looks worse and its probably not my right to judge I just think there is something out of kilter in his comment. That said if we want to do something to feel ‘self improved’ that is our inalliable right. I just wish that on this earth we loved ourselves more for who we really are DEEP DOWN INSIDE. I OFTEN WISH WE DID NOT FEEL THAT WE NEED TO TURN OURSELVES INSIDE OUT TO BE LOVED OR ACCEPTED or only got judged from the outside or surface of things.
I am realising what a loving attitude is by being connected to a man who always comes from his heart. He is able to say his piece without being mean or lashing out and he is able to affirm me when I get angry but set boundaries too when my behaviour was hurtful as it was this week. I got to see how the wounded Plutonian side of myself reacts this week and it turned back upon me which called to mind something I read in a week or so ago in Paul Ferrini’s book about how when we attack others the knife of attack falls on our own head. I experienced that this week in knowing I had caused someone I care about deep deep pain.
I see how hard I find it to reach out, to trust others, to love unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I think many of us are taught if we love like this its only opening ourselves to any kind of abuse but I don’t agree for when we truly love ourselves and know our own value in a balance way those poison barbs don’t lodge so deeply into us. Its when part of us believes it true that we hurt and then lash back.
I have learned a lot this week about how my reaction patterns go and I am grateful for that today. It was so sad to hear Scott in such pain today about the fact we cannot meet and no one will help us, I felt the pain in my heart and radiating down my entire left arm. I got to therapy and am sitting in the growing dusk now. This is always the most spiritual time of day for me. I was born at 7.10 pm so I find the evening of dusk twilight often like a birth time. Today I am grateful for the insight this week gave me into my dark side and that the person I love still loves me and accepted my heartfelt apology. I pray one day we will finally get to meet, I am going to be doing a lot of praying but I will accept too, that as painful as things are now, things are working out somehow, someway for good.
Emerging From The Dark Night 