There is a place : some reflections on regret, hardship, and using our shit as compost

There is a place we find at the end of a long road, that led us through such a dark wood, times when we thought we could not even breathe for helplessness, frustration and fear, how was it that we were bound so tightly within a cocoon we could not shed, because at that point we lacked the will for freedom. And yet maybe freedom was not the point at that stage, maybe what our soul most needed at that point was to be bound so tightly up inside the cocoon for just as long as it took for certain inner processes to undergo their curious alchemy upon our soul.

There are people who seem to believe that freedom comes from a lack of restriction but lately I am thinking there is a freedom that comes from bearing with restrictions and all other kinds of frustrations, realising lately maybe its all a part of the plan. I came across a Bible reading in a book on gratitude the other day and it speaks of when people brought a blind man to Jesus, asking him who had sinned that the man was born blind and Jesus answered : “it was not that he sinned, or his parents, but that the words of God might be manifested in him”.

In the book the author M.J, Ryan goes on to explain that its often hard to find gratitude for the tough things that happen in our lives but that often there are soul lessons in difficult things that befall us, Perhaps we are due to have some lessons about out inherent limitations, perhaps we are going through a period where we being asked to call qualities of resilience or perseverance out of us. Maybe we lose something in order that we can understand how precious it was to once have something and then the next time around we learn just how important it is to value that similar quality or opportunity when it shows up in our lives again.

Often in my own life I see how I got fixated far too greatly on what appeared to be lost to me. I also realise that due to my addiction I did not get to process certain things in the way others did and then suffering head trauma at a critical time really stymied me and made the ability to trust and feel safe in making decisions in life and moving forward almost impossible.

That huge blow to the head that I sustained 14 years ago now (my God can it be that long??) really rocked my world and I have been unravelling it and spinning out of it through certain spells of what seem like panic attacks but also involve a great deal of traumatic recall as well for a long long time now. I could never really explain the process of what goes on with me to others, and I know it would have been impossible up until now for me to share my emotional and physical space with another human being who made certain demands of me because when I tried in 2007 to 2010 it all fell apart.

The long and the short of this post is that I am sick of regretting things all the time and judging myself for the way things panned out. I didn’t choose to get knocked of my bike back in 2005 but I did choose to pursue cranio sacral therapy to deal with the effects of a trauma long passed, If I knew then what I do now I would not have gone for the appointment and I would not have had to sustain the level of chronic pain I have lived with since but then, just possibly, I may never have got to pursue my love of poetry and start this blog or research trauma or make other connections and grow deeply as a soul as a result.

I think at times we live in a judgement and blame culture too. If something hurts us or goes badly for us we get blamed or told that we did something to bring it on ourselves or that the Universe has a lesson for us, that said we may learn something essential from the fall out but it doesn’t mean we were God like and caused it in the first place. The truth may just be that shit happens and testament of a character lies in how we deal with the shitty fall out, how much of the said faeces we allow to stick to us. The choice is always there to use the shit as compost too, we could put all that shit and mess to good use if we applied it to some seeds which we watered and tended lovingly just as a soulful gardener does.

It is said that into each life some rain must fall just maybe because seeds don’t grow well without a lot of water. I am going to remember that each and every single time I cry and someone tells I shouldn’t because I’m “too emotional” or should just be grateful for what the hell went down. Maybe in time I will be if I am just allowed to get along with my own process and bear with it all until it births within me what I most need to birth from the wisdom of that experience, realising that at times really, really tough stuff goes down that has the capacity to break those who lack the right kind of essential inner and outer supports.