Surreal : some further reflections on grief.

I remember on the day my Mum passed away my cousin called by and the word she used for the feeling you get when a loved one dies was ‘surreal’. I guess it’s how I felt when I first saw a dead body with the spirit departed and that was many years after my father died as when he passed I was encourage NOT to go and see him. It wasn’t until my Godfather (Dad’s best friend and my substitute Dad) died 18 years later that I saw a dead body and it was then I knew the shell is no longer housing the spirit that animates and gives life to it.

I had the same surreal feeling today getting the news that Christine had passed, although the last time I saw her my feeling was the death was calling her name. She was not all ‘there’ that day and I cried a lot after that meeting, mostly being upset with my reaction of hurt that she hadn’t contacted me when it was her who was unwell. As it turns out I learned today she had undiagnosed blood cancer, a very rare form and it must have been affecting her for some time.

People say its ‘magical’ thinking to feel a loved one’s spirit goes on. Older cultures venerate their ancestors spirits and recognise their existence. I read in Rupert Thomson’s book last night that in the Sufi tradition to grieve too long is seen a selfish as they feel a loved one’s grief may hold the spirit back from moving on. If you believe in spiritualism then some spirits don’t remain free and may remain attached to a family member or in ancestral terms some of us may carry unfinished business from a family member. In our family the alcoholism, ungrieved wound passed onto my older sister who is now dead and me.

So while I cried for Christine today, just as I cried for my sister, I acknowledge her spirit is now free and the sadness that remains is for me and I don’t want it to get too ‘heavy’ which it doesn’t seem to do if I just allow the feelings to flow out of me. That said I feel certain sadnesses she shared with me that were burdens from a daughter who rarely called and was quite standoffish at times to a son that was at times dismissive of her. God knows none of us is perfect and we are never fully privy to the ins and outs of any relationship which can be complex and multi layered. We all do our best with what we have. I just felt sad that it took for my friend to become seriously ill for everyone to finally reunite by her side but it was the same with my sister, her four sons flew in in the days before we had to take the difficult decision to remove her from life support in April 2014.

I felt my Mum’s spirit close to me most especially in the first 40 days and nights of her passing which in certain traditions is said to be the time the spirit stays very close to loved ones. Buddhists say the spirit does not realise it is dead in the first while (just as portrayed in the famous movie ‘Ghost’) and is confused if the loved ones don’t respond.

In tough times now I call on both my parents and my sister and as a new acquaintance pointed out today I can also call on Christine now. I can say all the things I wished I could say before and its something encouraged by Christine Rassumussen in her book on moving on in grief.

I know now that everyone’s grief process is unique and highly individual to them and grieving is affected by a complex amount of factors. Also some of us accept the death more easily while for some of us it may take longer to come to terms with and we may suffer more anger or denial or bargaining. Shock is a big part of receiving the first news and I remember thinking with both my Mum and sister toward the end that they would miraculously rally and stay around a lot longer in the final day or so.

Maybe that was a form of denial for me, having known so much loss. But in any case a death does at times feel surreal as the spirit leaves the body and moves on to where ever it goes. I don’t know where that is only what I have read about it from people who have died and come back. But one thing I know the link that connects us to the departed love ones is love and grief is often a testament of love but love goes on never the less when our loved one passes. And it is the body that grieves in very physical ways, which is why on the back of grief it is so important to take care of ourselves.

In the book Coping With Grief the authors explain that the decreased appetite that accompanies grief has a physical basis and we are better off to take smaller meals and not force too much food on those who are struggling. They recommend gentle affirmative contact and soft touch in grief, often the soft touch of a hand may soothe, at times the grieving person may just feel far too raw to be touched. In the end it is all very individual to the grieving person the way they react and when someone is grieving we need to allow that individual process.