When things feel dark and punishing thoughts besiege us, that is perhaps the time we need to dig most deeply for the inner light of love. It occurred to me how hard I am at times on myself after a few valued followers pointed it out to me.
I love the writer Paul Ferrini and today I was reading his book on the wounded child and it really resonated, what he was saying is that many of us struggle so hard for perfection in a world that is anything but that and then we struggle too with expressing love and forgiveness both to ourselves and other people in the midst of it.
It is only natural to hurt when people say or do mean things. Being on the blunt end of another’s hidden aggression disguised in humour can hurt but its not going to do much good to take too much of it on board when its really coming out of another person’s stuff. In AA they have a way of helping you to deal with such sideways attacks, that is to recognise that the offending person is not in a good place spiritually speaking. Needles going into us, especially if we are sensitive I am sure can, over time, turn into illness and I have really been labouring with my breathing and my heart since the weekend. I have felt pain radiating down the left arm probably along my heart meridian for a few days now.
This is why I believe its so important to turn within at times but not to stay frozen there, because often out in the fresh air we can touch base with nature and for those of us who have suffered much at the hands of other unconscious humans, nature often provides a safe place and a soft balm, at least in the more temperate climates (depending on your particular preference). I often feel that nature is full of love and the pure unadulterated force of life or God within us, its a kind of pure love that hasn’t been twisted out of shape. But I also believe that even so called ‘negative’ emotions like hatred and jealousy can be just warped forms of desire for love gone amiss.
Ferrini writes a lot on the Course In Miracles teachings which involve acknowledging when we feel separate from God, nature and other humans and seeking ways to come back into alignment with a sense of at-one-ness, often called ‘atonement’. This does not call for a negation of our painful shadow feelings and some of us have only the very best parts of us relegated to the shadow if we were family scapegoats or came to identity with a weak sense of true self but rather an authentic acknowledgement of then held within the healing circle of love.
Our wounded places mark the place where painful things went into us. They are the places that most call for our unconditional love and acceptance and for forgiveness, not so much to free others but as a way to free ourselves from the pain that remains when hurts are deep.
I would rather show love to pain these days, rather than fear, hatred or anger. I am not negating the power of anger which often tells us we have been violated and is a call for action or protection in loving ways that respect both the boundaries of ourselves and others. But in the end how much we take on board of such things rests with how loving we are being to ourselves. Shame spirals can be triggered by such things in my experience.
I was actually listening to a programme today on how women’s pain has so often been diminished, ignored or treated abysmally by the medical profession but even as I was listening to the programme I still felt that the pain those people held most needed their own love and attention, that said when our pain is not validated and we are not permitted to find ways to free ourselves from the pain that is unnecessary or comes from unconsciousness we suffer greatly.
Today I realised that I need to treat my own heart tenderly at the moment. I realised that as much as I reach out to my sister not a lot comes back and that I cannot keep trying as hard as I do when it depletes me to give love. Today I sought the light and healing in the sunshine and in a fun walk around the neighbourhood with Jasper. I am off to therapy soon and will nourish myself with home made salad before I go.
I thank the lovely follower who told me not to be too hard on myself today. I really needed the reminder and his words helped me to slow down today and pay attention to nourishing my heart. I hope others can do the same. Happy Tuesday everyone.
Emerging From The Dark Night 