I seem to be seeing what a very mixed up thing my life has been lately. There is no longer any hiding behind illusions in the wake of new things I am reading about grief and sadly my therapist is off overseas for a three week break so I won’t have anyone much to defend me against the critic’s attacks that are ongoing, telling me how my fear and need to stay protective while trying to keep me safe often stopped me taking risks to move forward. The inner critic probably isn’t always out to get us. Sometimes it has some valid information for us.
All this said there are major glimpses of what Mark Nepo refers to as ‘lightning strikes’ in my life lately. I gain great comfort from nature and the lake and even on those days when people are nasty or snub your greetings it’s all okay, I know, there is always peace available below the surface of things to tap into when we can get into the right frame of mind. That said, the tumultuous waves of self blame and attack do rise very high on some days and the inward landscape becomes stormy.
I am working to count my blessings while still acknowledging the sadness at the heart of the story for my two other sisters and I. I spoke to Sue last night and she has been referred to yet another oncologist who wants to undertake EVEN MORE TESTS. She must be so sick by now of her body being treated as an object instead of given love. I talked through my own take on things last night and I know the best gift I can give my sister is just to be a loving friend. I am thinking of her a lot as I continue reading Christian Rasumussan’s book on moving forward from grief. I love the fact that in the book while encouraging grief sufferers to acknowledge the necessity of sorrow and letting feelings out she also encourages that we take a proactive approach to creating a new life.
At the same time, I am still reading through Mark Nepos’ book of meditation/reflections, The One Life We’re Given, at the moment and he says that often precious gifts can come out of not attaining those things we pursue if we take the attitude of honouring our journey. So much of our peace and happiness depends upon the attitudes we take towards situations, experiences, people and events and we can make either a heaven or hell out of them.
I did myself no favours much back in 2011 arguing with my Mum over my grief and staying away from the help and support she could have offered, that said I also found it hard to take control of my own life following the head injury of 2005. If I am honest I know there were so many things I would have done differently but must now let go of too because at the time I reacted the best way I could at that time. I know I keep going over it in my blog and its probably losing me followers but I have to be selfish with my blog, I try to share things to help others but I also have to be honest about how I struggle with my internal thought processes.
Anyway Jasper and I have been up and out relatively early over the past two days which has been great and lately my thoughts are turning towards what kind of life I can create for myself regardless of whether or not Scott turns up here in a few weeks time. I registered to volunteer at the Writer’s Festival next weekend and am doing a half day shift on both days, so that is some kind of step forward, that said I also enjoy my cosy contained life here. I would love to do more outreach in terms of helping others and being involved. I am also considering if I might do some type of training to get qualified to become a counsellor I am especially interested in doing grief counselling, I would love to do some kind of grief circle work.
As I type this I am sitting looking at a photograph of my Mum and Dad that must have been taken in 1946. Mum has my oldest sister Judy on her knee and she is a tiny baby, Gary, my brother, sits on Dad’s knee and must be about 2 years old. Dad is in his air force uniform and would have been 25 or 26 years old. I see two young kids when I look at them even though they are both adults in the photo, I had a cry looking at it and thinking about all they achieved and all the losses they too went through, there is forgiveness there in my heart.
I have been really enjoying re reading parts of Marianne Williamson’s book From Tears to Triumph this week. I want to just finish this daily update post with some quotes of hers. I now understand my own place in a family full of emotional neglect and how by the time I was a teenager it was already falling apart in so many ways, I had to run as a refugee from it and I didn’t get to build much of a solid ego foundation within myself, as I see it now. I see how much I foundered as a teen and a young adult and have compassion for myself. That said I know its never too late to start growing up and wising and maturing. The deficits I have been left with are up to me to deal with and manage the best way I can and blaming myself or my parents doesn’t seem to help as much as accepting that now it’s up to me to be my own best parent. My heart is full of compassion and love for my parents but as I look at both their eyes I realise how seldom they were turned on me and how much of an afterthought I seemed to be much of the time when so much other trauma and their struggle to survive played out.
None of us is perfect. All of us make mistakes. And close relationships are a place where we’re bound to make them. In fact, until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know them. And until we’ve forgiven them their darkness, we don’t really know what love is.
Our relationships are temples of healing when we allow them to be. The ultimate truth of any relationship is that two innocent children of God are seeking ot love and be loved. Someone else’s mistakes are simply where they hit walls which in that moment they could not see beyond – and it’s the same for us. A Course in Miracles says that we should interpret all that is not love as a call for love. If I judge your for your errors, I simply fortify then in your mind and in mine. If I forgive your errors, I give both of us the chance to feel the healing power of love.
Who among us is not scarred from the battles of love? Who among us is not pained by the struggles of love? Who among us is not longing for the comfort of love? As much as we all desire to love and to be loved, in this wounded world it can be very hard at times. But the only failure is to give up on love. A broken heart need not be a bitter heart. And while love can pause, it never really end.
Emerging From The Dark Night 